Beautiful Disaster

I am in an endless cycle of hell! I’m pretty sure this isn’t what they meant when they said "til death do you part".

I just looked at my cell bill online and about passed out. $243.00, are you fucking kidding me? All because my super responsible husband was looking up porn on the internet from his phone. REALLY! really? I can’t even fucking believe this shit. I just can’t. There is a reason why he isn’t supposed to be on the internet and this is one of them. I feel like I have a child that I’m constantly paying the price for. I don’t know what to do anymore honestly. I’m ready to kick him out and I’ve never been to this point before. I’m so confused.

I can’t afford the bills that he keeps running up. I need this to stop. I asked him if he just wasn’t attracted to me or if I wasn’t enough for him and he said no, that wasn’t it. He said he likes my body and is attracted to me. How the hell can I trust that? I told him that if I just didn’t do it for him anymore that’s ok but lets just call it quits already and believe me I can find someone else who will treat me better and doesn’t feel the need to fuck around. I have gotten to the point where it really doesn’t matter if he stays or goes. I’m just tired. He needs to grow up and I don’t think that it’s ever going to happen so I’m just wasting years here. I’m not willing to do that anymore.

I think I have finally reached that point. I’m done now. I appreciate the experiences of the relationship, but I can now honestly say that sometimes "love" isn’t enough. I deserve certain things in life and I know what I want now. Just took 8 years to find out that you can’t save someone they have to save themselves.

So in a couple of months when I move into my house, I’ll be doing it alone. I’m not sure what the future holds, but it’s scarier than ever and I’m going to take one step at a time and hope I don’t fall flat on my face.

I feel defeated and yet empowered all at the same time.

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He’s as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain’t right
It just ain’t right

Oh and I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He’s magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him?
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight
Hold on tight

Oh ’cause I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

I’m longing for love and the logical
But he’s only happy hysterical
I’m waiting for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
So long

He’s soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He’s never enough
And still he’s more than I can take

Oh ’cause I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He’s beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster

[Fading]
Beautiful
(Beautiful disaster)
Beautiful disaster