sands through the hourglass

I have had this diary for 10 years…wow

Things that haven’t changed in 10 years – my continual battle for my own soul.  I fight for it with food, my parents, people around me and etc.  It’s going to be a never ending battle I fear.  I might fail.  I need something to change for me.  A good old fashioned kick in the ass for myself.  I want to be a happier person than I am right now.  I wish I could snap my fingers and make that happen!  This life isn’t cutting it for me anymore and I haven’t been honest with anyone about it.  Myself included in that.  I keep telling myself that things will get better and I don’t do anything to change or make it better.  The definition of crazy, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Thanks Eistein. 

So should  I make a list of things I want to change?

I want to buy a house, have kids, my husband to not only get a job but keep it, lose some weight, get a new car, etc.

So basically I just want to have a "normal" life right?  Not too much to ask for huh lol  Here I sit 10 years after I started writing and pretty much the only thing that’s changed in my life is I got married. Did that make life better?  I’m not sure yet, it’s been 8 years of marriage and ALOT of heartache.  Somethings I just don’t know if they are forgivable.  I’ve tried to stay positive and tell myself that with time and work all things are possible.  We can make it if we both really want it.  But how do you forgive someone for breaking your heart, your trust, and a part of your spirit?  At this point I feel as though I’m living with a friend that sucks lol  I know that may sound weird, but I remember what it felt like in the beginning of our relationship of any relationship really.  That feeling of newness, it is so intoxicating you know?  That person makes you feel like you matter and that you’re actually interesting.  When you know everything about someone the exhiliration tends to fade away and you’re just left with who that person really is, and what if you find out that you really don’t like who they are?  What an awful thing to think, but at least I’m honest right?  If only in writing. 

He is a nice person and he takes care of the house since he’s not working and of me as best he can.  I am looking for some stability in life that I’ve never had before is that too much to ask for?  Not only financially, but in all other ways as well.  He isn’t stable enough to give that to me.  He flies into rants about minor things and can’t handle the pressure of life when problems arise.  No matter how small the problem may be.  He is a drug addict and although he is going to NA the threat of him using is an everday thought.  How do you live life like that?  How do you gain trust back with someone like that?  Is it even possible or am I just spinning my ever aging wheels with this person?  I do care about what happens to him and I don’t wish him any harm or pain in his life.  I know that a year ago I didn’t think the same thing. 

But should I stay and work on this marriage or should I go and work on me?  God hasn’t given me an answer yet and I’m still sitting in my little house unhappy with life just waiting on my sign.  Maybe that is the sign.  I’m left with the guilt of knowing that if I go he has no money, no house, he has nothing.  I do love him and I want the best for him, but it’s just so hard when I’ve been the one who has to take care of EVERYTHING all the time.  It’s too much for one person to do.  Sometimes I just want him to step up and take care of something without having to ask me if he should.  Make a decision, why should I always have to be the one to do so?  Even if it’s the wrong one at least you made it and you can learn from it you know.  I’m not the parent in this relationship we are supposed to be equals, why do I feel like I’m taking care of you and mothering you?  Oh that’s right, because I am. So frustrating.

Work is great and I love it there.  Family is the same I suppose. I’ve been thinking alot about my dad lately and I feel like the only way I’m going to resolve some of my personal issues is if I go and see him one last time before he dies.  I need some answers that I’ve never gotten and it may require me to actually speak to the SOB.  I’m tired of carrying around the hate for him, it’s become too much of a strain on my mind and spirit.  So I’m going to make an adult decision and let go of it because it’s been too many years of punishment for myself not him.  Perhaps that will be a key in making some life changes of my own this year.  2011 is going to be better than the rest I hope because I’m going to make it that way. 

Life isn’t what I expected to be, but that doesn’t mean I can’t make it something different.  I may change this year more than I have ever changed in my life, because if I don’t I’m afraid I may not make it too much longer.  It’s necessary to evolve in life because standing still only gets you ran over!

~megs