10 Days…and counting
Chris has court in 10 days. We haven’t heard from the lawyer who we paid and yet never returns our fucking calls. So I don’t really know what is going on there, but he’ll probably end up in jail because he hasn’t had a job to pay the child support and they don’t really give a crap about life problems they just want the money. I understand that believe me I do. My mom was a single mom and needed the money too. Of course my dad never worked and could never pay, but he never wound up in jail either. Ehh what are you going to do. It’s not like he has seen the child in 14 years so what’s the point? We try to set up visit times and what not, but her grandparents aren’t exactly cooperative. They live in IL and we’re in IN so how does it work really? They have guardianship and yet he never gave up his rights? Fuck it.
I’m probably going to end up alone in the long run of this which is exactly what I’ve been trying to avoid for these 8 or 9 years. I hate being alone I really do. Is that why I keep him around most of all? probably. Oh well. I don’t really see why else I would, don’t get me wrong I love him, but he’s not what I expected for myself out of a husband/partner in life. Sometimes it just seems like he makes things so much worse rather than better. Problems happen and it’s nice to have someone else to depend on when they do, I don’t have that luxury with him. It’s all me or nothing.
Work work work work…It’s the only thing that I actually like in my life right now. It keeps my mind busy so that I don’t think about the shitty parts. I’d rather go to work more than anything these days. At least there people are respectful and it all just flows.
My sister is getting married next month which I’m excited for her. She and her g/f have been together for almost 2 years and they really seem to want the same things out of life. She’s going back to school in the fall too. I envy her. Her life seems to be going somewhere with someone.
My mother came into the school on Saturday to get her hair done, I wish she’d just go to a salon because we can never seem to satisfy her. She always hates her hair. It’s never what she wants and she never says anything while she’s still in the chair! It’s so annoying to hear her bitch, whine and complain after she’s gone for the month. If you don’t like it after 6 years odds are you’re never going to like it so go somewhere else and pay $150!!! Instead of getting it for free at the school. It would just make my life so much easier. I don’t like to feel bad because you said I picked someone who didn’t know what they were doing. Quit calling me every freakin’ day because guess what we don’t open until Tuesday so you’re going to have to wait!!! So fuckin’ annoying…
I’m looking into just taking/finishing my general studies courses at Ivy Tech. Just to get them out of the way and over with. 2 classes at a time I suppose so that I will at least be eligible for financial aid. I will probably have to start in the spring semester though. Too much other bullshit going on to worry about it right now. Of course that’s what always happens, other things take priority over my shit. How/why do I let other people’s needs/wants outweigh mine? Seems weird to always put myself last, but then again I always feel like I’m being selfish if I don’t… I don’t get it. Why should I feel guilty about wanting to improve myself and be successful? I use so much energy trying to help other people and then screw myself in the process. What do I want??? It’s about time I figured it out don’t you think, I’m 30 and not getting any younger. I’m childless, degressless, and I’m not happy. I don’t own a house, I have a broken down car and a truck that I’m still paying on. I have a job that I love, but I want more. I’m not asking to be a millionaire by any means I just want to be established and have nice things.
People have always told me to just be satisfied with what I have, and I am to a certain extent, but shouldn’t you always try for something more? I told my mother I was thinking about going back to school and she told me that I wasn’t great at high school and since I make pretty good money where I am I should probably stick with what I know. I never heard her say that to my sister who is an RN and now going to be a practioner. I wonder why? My sister always did well in school so she never had any doubts about her intelligence and I was always a C average student and I’m dyslexic. So I suppose she has a point maybe I should stick with what I know, but I always just feel like I’m settling and not giving myself any credit for what I know I’m capable of. I want to be happy with me for once and I don’t want to hear, "well you should just be grateful and satisfied with what you have, because you weren’t really good with school".
Another side note I suppose is I just found out that someone that I used to work with is 3 months preggers. I want/should be happy for this person, but all I can think is it’s supposed to be me not you and I should be preggers and I’m not. My shit doesn’t work and I’m screwed. I just had to get that out no matter how terrible it sounds, and I know it does. It eats away at me and and apologize for ever feeling this way. People all around me are having babies and I loathe them. I’m sorry. I’m not really angry with them I’m mad at my body, and it just so happens they’re in the way. So I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry for any of those terrible thoughts that cross my mind. I really do wish the best for other people and their babies please know that.
I think I have bitched/whined enough for the moment. I know it seems like all I write is that, but I don’t have an outlet for it and this seems to help me keep my sanity. Love you all~megs