Here

I’m here.

Perhaps a little wounded but I’m still here. You told me last weekend that you were leaving me. That you wanted a divorce and that you weren’t "in love" with me anymore. In the same breath you tell me that you want the very best for me and you don’t think that is you. In the next moment you’re crying on my shoulder telling me that you do love me and that you were just trying to hurt me to push me away. You tell me that you want to be completely honest with me and then we go to dinner. You talk and I listen. I try to understand how someone who I know loves me can make me so confused. I’m sure about one thing and that is that I am in love with you. However messed up it is, you’re my best friend and if you want to call it quits I’ll let you go, because I don’t want to hold you back from your own happiness. But you can’t decide for me what is best. After that night you went on as if nothing happened, and I did the same.

Something did happen and it changed the course of our relationship/marriage forever.

You made a decision to go away the next weekend. Hang out with a friend because you needed your "space" I’m sure. You requested the weekend off from your boss and I tried not to think about the fact that you didn’t even do that for our anniversary. I’m trying not to be a bitter bitch, and all the while trying to be understanding and not suspect anything. When you left that night you seemed so concerned about what you guys would be doing and all the fun you’d be having, but never once asked how I was or what I would be doing while you were gone. I’m sure because it never actually crossed your mind to be concerned about me. You were just worried about the "dirty" bag you were about to put your stuff in and the debit card you were going to use to fill your gas tank up with. You fake kissed me goodbye and without an "I love you" walked out the door. I sat there for a moment and then texted you, "No I love you?", and instead of calling or maybe even turning around because you hadn’t even gone a block yet, you texted me back with, "Love you text later." How special you make me feel.

I know that it’s annoying to have to explain every last detail of what you’re doing who you are with and so on. I don’t want to be that overbearing wife. I’m making a conscious decision/effort to be the better person here. You didn’t call the entire time you were gone, only sending a text when I initiated it, and even then with no emotion attached to it. I’m not asking too much I know I’m not. A phone call maybe to say goodnight at the end of your day. I wanted you to have fun and to get rid of some of that "stress" that you’ve been feeling, but you have to be aware of my emotions/feelings as well. I’m not made of stone no matter how strong I may seem.

I put aside some of the anger/stress/insecurity/restlessness/abandonment that I’ve been feeling since last weekend, only because I don’t want you to run off. I’m afraid to tell you anything about the way that I feel because you’re so emotionally unstable at this point that putting anymore on you would surely send you into one of your father/grandfather’s patterns of RUNNING. But you did run. You ran and you didn’t call, you left me when you had put me in an emotional state for the past week to go have fun… I hope it worked and that you did have a good time otherwise I’m not sure it was worth any of the stress on my part.

I’m left with a decision to make in my life. I don’t want to hold my emotions over you or make you feel guilty because you wanted to have fun. I understand the part of wanting to get away for a weekend and just de-stress. Although how you did it I feel has done a great deal of damage to being a good husband/partner. There are ways to say and do things in life and I’m sure our views on that are different, but here is a hint from me to you, don’t say you’re leaving your wife and then the next weekend run off with a friend. She’s only going to think the worst while you’re gone. Be considerate of my feelings not just your own. I’m trying to do the same.

Being angry is my reaction to these hurts, but I know that won’t fix anything so I’m choosing to let it go at this very moment. I’ll be here for you so that you can get the pieces of you put back together. I only hope that when I fall one day and shatter into a million pieces, it will happen I’m sure, that you’ll be there to do the same for me. Essentially that is what marriage is about right?

Loving that person enough to let them fall, and to be there for them while they mend the pieces of themselves together again.