unstable stability
Ok, so here’s the just of it.
I’m stressed beyond belief these days. Technically I’ve been on vacation for the past week and yet I don’t feel relaxed at all. I’m stressing out about Chris’s graduation and will he be able to find a job, will anyone hire a diesel mechanic right out of school with no experience. Odds are I’m going to say no because there are plenty of people out there with experience that don’t have a job right now. Plus even if he did get hired somewhere how would he get there? We only have the one car right now and unless it’s a second or third shift job we’re screwed. *deep breath*
I’ve been having panic attacks, which have come and gone for as long as I can remeber in my life. I just feel so out of control with my life. It’s truly ridiculous the things that I do with my OCD when I’m like this and I just can’t stop myself either. I really don’t want to for that matter the things that I do make me feel better and just the thought of having to stop makes me freak the fuck out. Literally. I woke up at 4 a.m. Friday morning having a panic attack and I had to get up and try to talk myself down from it. I just had to keep telling myself that it couldn’t last forever that my brain had to adjust sooner or later. It took about 35 mins and it was so awful. I felt like my heart would explode out of my chest and all I really wanted to do was cry. Then last night I woke up because Chris got up to use the bathroom and I lay there freakin’ out about freakin’ out. So stupid. I lay there thinking about what had happened Friday morning and having a panic attack about having a panic attack. That was around 5:30 or so and I didn’t get back to sleep until around 7:00. It’s just so ridiculous. I can’t control it.
We applied to get pre-approved for an amount to buy a house. That was a freakin’ joke with our credit and I knew that just as much as Chris did. But he kept pushing it and I sent the information to the loan officer and what a surprise when she said there wasn’t anything she could do for us right now. Until we get our credit cleaned up of course. I knew that. That’s why I didn’t want to bother until at least the end of this year when I had some of the things on my credit report paid off. Oh well, just another disappointment I suppose. I should be accustomed to that by now, but I can never seem to get used to it.
I started weight watchers again. I say again because I’ve started this freakin’ program about 8 times and I never follow through with it. I want to and then I lose faith in myself and just can’t seem to push through the rough times. Food is such a comfort to me when I don’t feel so good about stuff. It’s stupid I know, but when things are good, bad, happy, sad…pretty much any emotion there I am stuffing my face as if it’s some sort of reward or something. Plus my anxiety doesn’t help that very much. So here I am counting my points and hoping that I can hang on through the rough times.
I’m rather angry/frustrated at Chris right now in my life. It’s not that he’s done anything in particular it’s just that he’s not the stable kind of husband that I’ve always wanted for myself. Does that make sense at all? He’s been out of work for 2 years now and well, he isn’t very reliable in the emotional stability department. I just want someone who can hold down a job, have a steady pay check coming in, can pay bills/run errands if things need to be done without me having to feel like their mom by telling them every little thing to do, and who can be there for me when my day wasn’t so good. I need these things. I feel as though I’ve given up on having them and I feel like that’s selling myself short in a relationship. I don’t want to get divorced and I don’t want to give up on Chris. I’m just frustrated with not getting what I need out of the relationship. I know that it’s all give and take, but I’m ready for him to starting giving. No one is perfect and people change throughout the years, I’m just hoping that when I change he’ll follow. If not I don’t know where that leaves us. I’m ready to move on with life and have what "normal" people have. I’m ready for the house, kids and all that follows. I’m just not sure that he is. I’m 29 and he’s 36 how can I possibly be more mature and ready than him? Perhaps I opted for a man with peter pan syndrome. Sometimes it’s really too much for me to deal with.
GIVE ME A STABLE PARTNER IN LIFE!
I write in this diary and it makes me feel better. That’s why I started it 8 years ago. I’ve been bad about writing in it and I think that I really need to get back. It helps me get out what I’m feeling and makes me feel like I can’t express myself without being ridiculed.
I suppose that’s sad to have to reassure myself that it’s ok just to be me. But I am who I am and I feel like a change is coming in my life. I’m just not sure if I’m going to like it or not. It’s the unknown and I’m scared of where it will lead me. For now I’ll just hold on tight and try not to fall off the world while it spins out of control.