Wha Wha

These things I know are true…

Feeling helpless to help a person that you love dearly sucks. Easter Sunday wasn’t exactly what I’d call a wonderful family experience. My gma (mom’s mom) had hip replacement surgery last May. It didn’t go well to say the least. She had a stroke when she came out of surgery which put her WAY behind in her rehab. Then her hip got infected and so they had to put a temporary replacement hip in that had antibiotics in it to clear up the infection. That was a no go, didn’t work at all and ended up becoming even more infected so they took it out and left her with nothing. All the time she’s been in a nursing home and hating to put it nicely. She’s going to be 68 this year. To me that’s just not old enough to be bed ridden you know? She’s just a shell of the person that I used to know, and even though people visit I see her slipping away every time I see her. She’s losing the battle and doesn’t really have enough energy to put up a fight. So Easter she got to come over to my mom’s with the rest of the family which we thought would be great. Time out of the hell hole, as she puts it, is time well spent. It didn’t turn out well at all, she ended up screaming and crying saying that she didn’t want to go back she wanted to go home and no one understands that people there don’t like her and so on. My g’pa ended up crying and basically it was just awful. Too STRESSFUL. I want to help her so badly, but what do you do? No one has the money in our family to hire anyone to take care of her at her house. I wish I did.

Being in love is both the greatest and the most confining thing I’ve ever experienced, and life is way too complicated for the "fun" it’s supposed to be. I feel trapped sometimes. Does anyone else ever feel like that? I love my husband SO much and all in all he is a great guy. We have our problems like everyone but for the most part the past 8 or 9 months are so have been fight free and there are no waves in our pond. So why am I bored? Why do I find myself daydreaming about other things? About being anywhere but home and with anyone but him? It’s awful really. I feel terrible about it honestly. I just want to break free and do my own thing you know. TRAPPED. In the same thought/breath I feel like this love we have for each other is such a blessing. We’ve had some terrible times. We’ve been through so much together and now that things are turning themselves around I feel like I should be enjoying instead of wishing for something else. I feel like I’m starting to trust him/me again and that scares me too. I don’t know. I want to be wild and crazy and do something totally not me. This is weird for me I’m always the control freak and now what do I do with these thoughts?

Life has always been complicated. I’m sure everyones life is tiring at some point. I’m not bitching too much about this one, but I feel like I’m missing out on the "fun" of life trying to deal/fix everyone else’s problems. Taking care of myself has become less of a priority than it ever has been. Sometimes I just miss being me and having fun. Who am I anyway? Ridiculous isn’t it at 28 years old I still don’t know who I am or what I want out of life. The things that I know I want I don’t have at the moment and I’m not really sure who to blame…me, him, my parents. Maybe it’s not about the blame, but the getting off my ass and doing something about it right. Fear inhibits me from going forward and I’m stuck in my comfort zone. What if I stepped outside of it and got a little uncomfortable with myself? Would the world really crumble down on me? Probably not, but am I really willing to take that leap…Sometimes I am and most of the time I’m not. I lack the confidence in myself to try something new. I’ll never get anywhere but unhappy this way.