Laying on the floor twitching…..

I’ve had better times…..much better times….

Ok, so Sunday night Chris and I got into a HUGE fight….we had been over at my sisters and he was on the computer…he said he was going to lay off the computer for awhile since I had caught him like a month ago talking to women…so I was a little apprehensive to say that least….so anyway, when we got home that night I asked him if he had another e-mail address because I wanted to send him a e-mail…he said yeah and he gave it to me…and this is what I wrote……."hmmm….a secret e-mail addy…any reason why I’ve never gotten this one are you hiding somethings???…any answers???"….he opened his e-mail and I was sitting right there and I say some other e-mails from another person a woman to be exact…I said hmm…how about you open those for me???…he refused and got really pissed off so I took my lap top before he signed out and was going to read them…so I thought…he grabbed it out of my hand and was really po’d and slammed my lap top on the floor…completely broke it in two…busted the screen and everything…in the process of his little fit he got my hand mixed up and cut the inside of it in between my thumb and first finger…really hurt like a bitch…I was extremely pissed at this point…I was like wtf???  If you wanna go fuck someone else then go for it…get the fuck out….and if you don’t then why are you lying to me??? What is the point of all this…I’m not a stupid bitch…if you don’t think I’m good enough then move the fuck on I love you, but I don’t need this shit….He got dressed and acted as though he was going to leave like I was going to RUN after him…I was like bye…

He turned around and was all like I don’t wanna leave…I don’t know what is wrong….and I just sat on the bed watching tv…I couldn’t snap myself out of it there I sat watching forrest gump while he spilled his guts out to me…what was wrong with me…It was like I was in some sort of I can’t believe it trance or something….just sat there not saying a word…he lit me a cig and I smoked it…still didn’t say anything…he took the dog out…and I still just sat there rocking back and forth as if I had no sense what so ever….I don’t know….he sat down beside me on the bed and just looked at me for awhile…I did nothing and said nothing…I couldn’t…he said Megan….Megan…I was like hmmm???….he said, I don’t know how to say it….I need help….real help…I’m just stressed out about everything and I don’t know how to deal….he was crying at this point and I still just sat there….he’s sobbing and I had no emotion for it what so ever….he kept on with…I’m going to lose my kid for good, he misses his g-ma….and he didn’t want to lose me and he loved me so much and he didn’t know what he would do if I left because I’m the only one that ever stuck with him thru his shit…*sigh*

I don’t know…I told him that he needed to get the help he was asking for…I blocked the porn…deleted his e-mail accounts (not before I read the e-mails of course, that would’ve been smart)…and I’m going to get ahold of a shrink and make an appointment for him…he has a very addictive personality…drugs, sex, lying, internet….it doesn’t matter what it is it’s as if he can become addicted to anything…it’s odd really….I want to help I’m just not sure how and I love him with all my heart (which maybe I’m stupid for)…but I’ll be there for him and I told him that I wasn’t going anywhere as long as he got the help he needed…because I deserve to have a better husband than this…he agreed…so last night I went over to my sisters myself and got on the computer to delete his e-mail addy’s but stupid me I just had to read what he had written to this girl…it was just awful…sexual things and such…I don’t know…I shouldn’t have read I know this now, but I am nosy what can I say….and I just HAD to e-mail her and tell her that he was married and that he got caught and I hoped that she had enough respect for me to not try to contact him through e-mail or other anymore…she e-mailed back today with she knew he was married and she just liked fucking around with him and she didn’t mean half of what she said to him….bitch…ok and that’s that…..

Since Sunday I’ve had a constant stomach ache and all that goes with if you catch my drift…I’m so upset that I’ve made myself sick…

I didn’t go to work today because I couldn’t get my sick feeling to go away and it kept me up all night and now here I sit writing and really with nothing to say I just don’t want to stop writing mostly because it’s taking my mind off of the stomach ache…I’m so fucked up….

It’s almost christmas and it seems as though this year is going to be just as bad if not worse than last year…I’ve only been married a year and I can’t even get that right…sucking gets really old at some point…I need to snap out of it….*lights cig*…gee that’s going to help right??

Ok, I’m out….things will get better right?