Being an F’up and Proud of it *smile*

I am a dumbass.

I keep answering the damn phone when I know it’s him…he keeps saying sweet things…it’s starting to piss me off…but not at him, at myself…I love to hear those sweet things…I keep thinking that one day he will mean them if I just believe in it enough…I made another mistake…and I’ve gotten hurt all over again…my own fault…

Could it actually be that I want love so bad that I’d be willing to get hurt over and over and over…am I that pathetic?? Not anymore…

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don’t see anything but a weak, pathetic, horridly ugly, vunerable, hurt person staring back at me…I see that everyday…I still rely on other people’s opinion of me to get me through the day at times…I still want the approval of everyone else to make me feel whole…I still think love will turn out like a fairy tale…and somewhere inside I still believe that I’m worth that fairy tale…

And then a realize when I look in that same mirror an hour later…that I am stronger that I could ever imagine, that I am beautiful no matter what other people say or think, that everyone is vunerable at times, and the only person hurting me right now is myself…that other people’s opinions don’t matter at all and that I should let them go in one ear and out the other…that only I can make myself feel whole, and that love, no matter how much I try to make it happen, it isn’t a fairy tale and you can’t push it…but I still believe I’m worth it…

I’ve made so many mistakes so far…and I’m only 21…I have so many more to make in my life…and I’m gonna screw up…and sometimes I’m going to fuck up beyond belief…and I know this…and it’s ok…we’re all goofball wacky people…some aren’t afriad to be that way…and some just pretend that they’re something else…I’m through pretending to most people…I’m just going to be my usual fuck up self…the person only my closest not afraid to be themselves friends get to see…I’m not perfect…big surprise huh..:-)…