02/10/2013

1:58 am – listening: to the tv

I finally started reading other diaries again today. I’ll be catching up best I can in the coming days. I leave to visit North Carolina on the 28th, come home on the 3rd and will get all my paperwork together (have to get a copy of my birth certificate and social security card), get my bank situation figured out and finish packing. I’ve already got most of my clothes that I’m taking with me packed in my duffel bag (not to exceed the 25 lbs limit) and a plastic bin. I have another suitcase that is ready for clothes, but I’ll probably use it for sheets. I’ve got most of my towels packed.

It hit my mom today that this is truly happening. She came and laid in bed with me for a little and said she was glad I’m visiting before I leave for good. I keep trying to reassure everyone that I’ll be back, but even I know I can’t guarantee that. I’ve promised to visit, which I fully intend on. It’s been an adjustment, packing and realizing that the space I’m used to living in will no longer be mine possibly by this time next month. I’ve always lived in Oklahoma and I’m glad to be leaving. I’m glad I have the opportunity to see another part of the US. My friend Maygen will be about three hours away from me so I’ll be able to see her frequently enough that I’ll have a better sense of home. In all the time we’ve had together, this will be the closest we’ve been for longer than a week at a time. It’ll be good. I’m not losing my support system, I’m just redistributing the access I have to people.

I quit my other job and started working for my mom. The hours are basically as I set them, the pay is more than I was making for WOW! (less than the job I left, but it’s worth it at the end of the day). I don’t have to worry about running into anyone at work, I don’t have to be on my feet all day without a guaranteed break. I basically do the office work whenever I want, I tell Ma how long I worked and then she writes me a check. It’s easy since she owns her own business and is beginning to pick up on her business since I’m moving.

Sometimes, the hardest part is when I look at the dogs and I realize that I won’t be sleeping with them, I won’t be greeted by them and they won’t run out to the fence and watch me leave. I’ll be missing that. I already do. Intuitive as they are, they still let me fawn over them when I have my moments where I’d rather not leave. I don’t want Lucy, especially, to feel like she won’t see me again. I’ve heard someone say before that animals don’t remember people after a certain amount of time and I truly do not believe that. I’ve lived away from the house before, I’ve lived without Lucy and she’s never forgotten me. But even with that, I was home almost once a week. That’s going to be changing.

Lots of changes, all of them positive. I didn’t immediately get rid of everything that had to do with Rachel. I did put the pictures of us together away as soon as we broke up. Her things were packed nearly immediately. In the aftermath of our fighting and drama from the 1st through the 14th, I’ve found more of her stuff. However, everything that I could locate on or before the 14th was removed from the house. Since packing, I’ve found two garments that have been donated to Goodwill and a few pieces of paper that came directly after the accident, when she was planning on getting her tattoos, the receipt from our Valentine’s Day dinner last year and a bottle of pills – all of which have been disposed of. The more I do, the easier it is to look at my walls and smile. To look at my bed and not imagine her sleeping there.

I had an open relationship with a friend, Sarah, who wasn’t looking for anything serious. Obviously, I wasn’t either. We broke things off a few days ago because she is trying things again with her ex for their son. I admire it. It makes it easier to not get more attached between now and when I leave in March. We really only kept each other company – she came over and slept in bed with me on her days off or when she didn’t have her son. I went and made dinner for her when she had to stay late at work. I didn’t meet her son, which is fine because I’m already struggling with letting go of Jacob and Riley (and even their brother Rory who had my heart too). I don’t need to get involved with anyone who has children unless I know it’s going to last. Oh wait…that plan failed. We’ll see what the future holds. I can’t rule it out, but maybe next time I fall in love, I’ll be more true to myself and not compromise on promises I’ve made before I met that person. I will say this: the best days of my life have yet to be lived.