01/06/2013

 I finally slept. For more than a couple of hours. From like 11 or 12 until nearly 10 am. I also ate more food yesterday than I’ve eaten in any single day the last week. I’m getting there. It’s going to take a lot of time, but I’m not giving up. I’m not going to hide and I’m not going to pretend. I hurt, I know I hurt. But it’s not crippling me. I can’t be crippled because my life won’t end. Every day will keep coming at me and I have no choice but to hold my head high and go forward. Why stop living just because my love with Rachel has ended? I will absolutely admit that I lost my mind and I should not have yelled at her and told her that "in this divorce, I get my mom" because my mom wants her. I let my emotions control me for a couple of days. But I also realize that I needed to get mad at her. I hadn’t been mad…I was blaming someone else because I couldn’t find any fault in Rachel. She did tell me she was unhappy and I heard her, but I don’t think it always made sense to me because I didn’t see it. I didn’t feel it. We had been on different pages for a long time and we never synched back up.

I will miss her friendship very much. I already do and I regret that I pushed her away like I did. But I’m not sure I would have been able to move on in a timely manner. She’s not the bad guy here. We both failed in this relationship. We both had our shining moments where we took care of each other and did what we said we would. sigh. I love her and I will always love her. She is my new standard and I know I’m not hers. I know I was emotional and the only thing I can figure is that she was my first real physical relationship. Because of that, I wasn’t the asshole I used to be. I used to be hard and didn’t show emotion unless it was a break up or utterly necessary (when my dad died, when I was mad, when I got cheated on) but I wasn’t sensitive because I didn’t need to be. I have no excuses, I’m not going to try and excuse any behavior I had. but it makes sense now. 

I’ve stopped with my negativity. My "there is life after love" and "pain is momentary" and "I’m dying without you" bullshit facebook posts have ended. They’re not going to be here, either. I went through the 7 stages of grief in a matter of 2-3 days. I had amazing highs and a terrible, frightening low. I’m lower than when Rachel and I were together, but I’m not going to give up. I’ll eventually get to a higher place than I was when I was at my best with Rachel.I believe in myself right now. We’ll see what happens as time marches on.