12/06/2012

0100 – Andy Grammer "You Should Know Better"

It’s come to my attention that I have raised concerns with my drinking. I apologize. I don’t intend to worry anyone, here or otherwise. I got absolutely obliterated last night. I was probably still a little drunk until 11 this morning, maybe closer to noon and started feeling a hangover effect around 4:30 or 5. It’s the stress. I’m just full of excuses now. I said I’d do DePhMo and honestly, I don’t really want to anymore. I don’t really care right now. In my drunken stupor last night, I realized that I’m digressing. Going back to keeping things inside, thinking I have it under control when it’s really eating my subconscious. I managed to find a cave full of emotions I didn’t realize I had…full of thoughts I haven’t thought in a very long time…full of feelings I didn’t even know I had. And what happened? Like a volcano of nonsense and anguish, I unleashed on Rachel. I didn’t realize I was struggling like I was.

So, to rectify my actions, I emailed her tonight after work with everything that was on my mind at the moment. I’m in the process of giving everything I have to tear down walls I didn’t realize had gone up so high and are as thick as they are. The short of it is that I feel like my relationship with Rachel is becoming shared and I’m the third wheel. I feel very childish and petty and arrogant and selfish and flat out ridiculous. As hard as I am trying to believe and want to believe it’s all in my head, I’m struggling. And it’s all me. There’s nothing else that will make it better for me. I have to do this, once again, on my own because it’s a falsehood I’ve created and until I break it down and let in the truth, I’m stuck in a rut.

This isn’t like the shiza (new word for ‘shit’) that I went through in September-October. It’s not the end of my world, it’s not the little things that are ruining my mood…but then again, everything is relative. What might be a red flag for me, may be absolutely nothing to someone else. I’m in a lot of self-loathing right now for what happened last night and how it carried over into today. I don’t know how to fix it, I’ll be honest. I’ve spent the last 5 hours thinking about it and I’ve got nothing. And I know having that "I don’t care" attitude will only make it worse. I can’t blow it off, I can’t sweep it under the rug. It has to be dealt with like the pink elephant in the room.

I truly hate questioning myself. I truly hate what is going on in my life right now and I can’t do much to change it. Don’t give me that "it’s all in your attitude" bull shiza. I try every single day to laugh and to enjoy myself at work. I CAN’T. It is impossible to go an entire day enjoying what I’m doing. My communication is breaking down fast. It’s like acid erosion. I tried to explain it to my mom, but I don’t think she really understands. She tried to make me feel better and agreed with me…just because she doesn’t know more than my side of the story (and we all know there’s always more than two sides to every story). I have to grow up. I thought finally eating pickles on my hamburger today was me being a grown up. Apparently I was terribly mistaken.