Shift your focus

In my entries I usually talk about stuff that I need to write about for my own good. For example to better let go of things that aren’t helping me anyway. Though I am going to try and talk more about what is going RIGHT in my life. It helps me shift my focus. Because even though writing helps to process and let go of things, sometimes it’s just better to fully focus on what is going good in your life and what you’re doing right as a person. I sometimes get stuck in these negative spirals, mostly caused by a period of self-doubt and conflict in my environment. For example I get into fights with my family, friends or boyfriend, and I start spiraling down onto a path of insecurity and doubting my self-worth. I hardly get out of that path for the next few days, sometimes weeks, because I am only seeing the negative. I’ve recently learnt to just shift my focus and everyday remind myself what I am doing good as a person, what I should be grateful for in my life and what I have already achieved that I should be proud of. Being a perfectionist, this also counts for when you’re having doubts about a person in your life, things you’re not happy about in the relationship with that person. You gotta try to shift your focus thinking about that person: what are they doing good in this relationship? How many times have they supported you, made you laugh… and how many times have they not been committed enough or too busy with their own stuff. You come to realize that everyone is guilty of being a pain in the ass to others sometimes. Everyone has days where they can’t handle their stress and react moody to everything the other persons says or does. Maybe we should, as a whole, try to tolerate eachother a little bit more. What I try to do in my relationships – not only with my boyfriend but also with my mom, sister, friends.. – when I notice they are stressed/mad/sad/annoyed about something I can’t do anything about (for example work), I first try to be patient and see if they want to talk about it. If they are clearly on an edge, I just leave them alone for a couple of hours. Always, they’ll come back and apologize for being rude or just ask to do spend time together or talk about the problem. It’s better to not force people to talk and just let them work it out on their own sometimes. You have got to give them the responsibility of speaking out their own needs and if they want to talk about it, they will. You should never force talking about something, the only thing you can do is give them space, stick around and listen if talking is required.

The past couple of years I have especially learnt to not always put all my effort and energy into a relationship in order to be loved. Especially family relationships don’t require much other than being there, physically and mentally. Because of problems with myself I used to think I had to put everything into a relationship in order to be loved in return. I now clearly realize that every relationship requires 50% of your responsibility and time/energy and the other half is for that other person. Otherwise you will always remain the person who gives and hardly gets in return. I can now clearly see when a person is trying to take advantage of me, doesn’t respect me and my needs or expects me to do more for the relationship than they do and I’ve come to a point where I respect and love myself enough to not get into those kind of energy sucking relationships anymore. It sometimes feels a bit lonely right now, because I’ve come to terms with certain relationships in my life that weren’t healthy anymore, but I do get to spend a lot more time with the ones who are truly there for me, truly wish me the best and are of positive influence. The being lonely just stems from an idea that a person has to have a lot of friendships and a rich social life. The truth is, I am happy with a smaller social circle if that means I am only surrounded by sincere connections with people I feel most comfortable around. Plus, less girl friends means less drama. I have never been good at remaining friends with a lot of other girls. I find most of them to be mean to eachother and envy eachother instead of cheering for eachother and celebrating our individual differences.

Anyways, for as long as OD will be here without me having to pay for it, I’ll update some more on my current life.

What I haven’t told yet, is that another big difference compared to the entries of many years ago, is my mom having a boyfriend now for over 4 years and he is the best. They help eachother to become a better version of themselves. My mom even quit drinking for most of the time (I say most of the time, because she still tends to grasp for a bottle of whine when she goes through a tough period). Luckily my step dad is able to handle it all very well, he is that much of an opposite to my mom that he is able to inspire her. They do sports together, cook all sorts of nice things, go traveling… And he also helps me when I am going through troubles, sometimes more than my dad is involved in my life. He always tells me to ”just do it” and stop overthinking my life so much. He has given a new lust for life to my mom and I am really happy for her/them. I feel like I don’t have to babysit my mom anymore and I can (finally) focus on my own life and studies for most of the time.