shaking

its so hard to describe to u just how extreme this situation is, so i’m not even going to try to explain. I’m just going to brain barf. When I went into the viewing  knowing all the family with all the hurts and all the anger and all the tension was going to be there, I started shaking. I mean, literally my legs felt wobbly. I felt all alone and in the middle and on the outside. My brother that I grew up with walked in and barely spoke to me…

I know he talks to the runaway brother, but geez…I didn’t think he’d be so cold to me just because I didn’t.  He sat all by himself one row ahead of me.  It really just…hurt! It hurts so bad. And later when my sister was talking about it I just smoothed it over and acted like it was no big deal because i don’t want it to be something my family hangs onto. I don’t want it to cause more division…

When my runaway brother came in, my stomach twisted and i really just had to concentrate on my breathing…He marched right past my parents with his three boys. i could see my poor dad just taking them in…his own blood and he’s not allowed to talk to them. My dad is a lot lioke me, he holds it inside for the sake of smoothing over. But I know he was hurting inside.

We all did talk eventually. He introduced everyone. It was civil and overall it was good, but wow. Just wow. Just….I don’t know! I’m feeling all this stuff inside that I didn’t even know was there and I just got home, changed, poured myself a nice tall glass of wine, curled up in a ball and cried it out. I mean really…embarassing….sobbing. 

There was so much life in that room….wasted on worry and pain and grief. Its all just so pointless. That’s all.