No Sense

*big deep sigh*

Today was really hard for me; for my family. Explaining my family is so difficult.  The brokenness of our family is so complex and complicated.  So let me start with my mother’s brother; my uncle by blood, but to me he was just another stranger on the street. He was always so worried about things, money, property, etc.  He was so worried about it, that he hated the thought of my mom getting anything.  Family relations between my mom and her family have always been strained due to loads of physical, emotional abuse that took place when she was young.  He was so concerned that she might get a piece of his pie that, at times, he’d threatened to kill her; left messages on the answering machine, stood outside our house with a shot gun and my personal favorite, loosened a tire on my mom’s van once.  She saw him near the van when she came out of a store with me when i was only 4.  When he saw her he ran off. On the way home the tire flew off on a back mountain road. We nearly went over a ravine.  This is the type of person he was.

So to say I’m mourning would be an overstatement. Am I happy that this happened? No, of course not.  I’m actually more concerned about My mom and my brother; my oldest brother.  He’s also estranged. We’re all so freaking estranged!  My mom doesn’t talk to her mother, my grandmother doesn’t talk to us, my uncles don’t talk to my dad, the cousins have no idea who one another are.  We’re all so angry and hurt and …..BROKEN! And I’m so sick of it. I am sick to death of "he said, she said" and "I don’t like her because…" and my absolute favorite is "well, we don’t talk anymore."

We don’t talk anymore…. 

Family should not be this way.  What is in the past is in the past.   My oldest brother left when i was only 3 years old. I don’t know him. I’ve walked past him…looked right at him….and didn’t know who he was. My own, blood brother! WTF is wrong with this situation!!!? He’s hurt and angry with the way my mom treated him. Hey brother, we all grew up in the same house! We all have hurts. She had severe emotional disorders and she still does and we have to learn to look past that. Focus on the good. Get over the bad and MOVE ON!

He has kept his 3 sons far from my parents. He has robbed us of knowing them.  He comes to town and wants to see my other brother and the grandmother that so severely abused my mother but won’t let my parents be grandparents. He won’t move past the past. In fact, it is so severe, that I fully expect him to escort his sons out of the funeral when my parents show up. How immature is that!? GROW UP!  I’m not saying he shouldn’t go see our grandmother, but he should also let us all see them. Why? What is he so afraid of? 

I’m so worn out from thinking and worrying. My mom’s emotional state is always fragile. Between multiple personalities and bipolar disorder, family problems and a runaway son, I never know what to expect.  This week is going to be hell. I just don’t  know how its going to play out. My sister and brother are concerned about the same things. We’re all kind  of just spinning different outcomes in our mind and wondering what we should be doing.

I think I’m going to go scream into my pillow and then fall asleep.

lol. Just joking; about the screaming part. I’m very much ready to drop into my bed and try to forget this day.