ugh

Well from my last entry nothing really has changed. I still feel like shit. My sister and I spoke on the phone on my lunch break and that was the start of the shity day. We talked about our mother and stuff. Well she did the most of the talking like she always does. That’s ok I guess. The way they talk about me I feel like a burden. Really blows. That’s life I guess. They (My mother and sister) offered to help me out and it seems like it is a bad idea. I don’t maybe shit will change when I am there. All I want to do is work and save money, nothing more nothing less. My day wasn’t to too bad really. Work was busy but ok. It kept my mind of shit. The one thing that is bugging me A LOT is about Paul. I don’t know what the hell to do. I feel like he doesn’t really care anymore, maybe cause he doesn’t want to get close again. I feel unsure if he really wants to ever be in a relationship with me again. Well I guess its my own fault. Just miss being close, hugging, kissing and exchanging I love youz. Blah thinking about it makes me want to cry. I no the last little while I have been bad at trying to get him back to being close but I guess it would be better to back off so he can make up his own mind. I don’t want him to want me just cause I want him. This is going to be a long ass bumpy ride. I miss him to pieces. I miss him being here with me. I am so god dam lonely is this empty apartment. I don’t know what the hell to do with myself. I really just want to be hugged, someone to hold me and reassure me that everything will be ok, to show me I am cared for and loved. Cause I sure as hell don’t feel cared for at all, nor do I feel loved at all. I feel worthless and a burden. Not the nicest feelings in the world. All this time alone makes me think so much, sometimes it is a good thing but it also can be a bad thing cause I start to feel a bit insecure about myself and other little things. I will continue to fix my shit and work as hard as I do. I just don’t want to feel like anything I do will never make a difference. Man shits so fucked. I will try to make the best of everything. I am really trying to just being alone isn’t helping it you no. Well I will stop boring everyone even myself with my depressed talk now. I am hitting the sac and hope tomorrow is a new day. Ciao.
 
Amy Nicole Ashley