[18]just waiting..

After lunch today Brandon, Cooper and I headed up to Owen Sound…

This is after I found out what is *really* going on.. As I said earlier, I never get ALL the story.. Well the problem is this: She isn’t recovering from the surgery 2 weeks ago, being on the respirator and having emphysema were not a good combo.. She suddenly yesterday afternoon took a turn for the worst and start gasping for air..

We went up to her room and I really didn’t know what to expect.. We walked in.. and she was laying on her back.. and gasping.. seriously GASPING for breath.. Her entire body was working for her to breathe. heart.breaking. We sat down, my MIL had Cooper.. was walking around with him and then brought him into the room.. We all sat there, in silence because Grandma can not talk, was not even there really.. She is sooo drugged up that she was basically passed out, not asleep.. Someone who is asleep wakes up to loud (cooper haha) noises.. Grandma did not..

Near the end of our "stint" in her room she startled awake, knees bent, feet up, back arched in pain awake.. So sad.. The nurses were coming in to turn her and give her meds.. so we left for a bit.

I just don’t understand how everything turned SO quickly.. So very sad…

She is struggling to breathe.. She couldn’t focus.. She is on so many painkillers she is passed out basically.. She wakes up disoriented and does that moan, that pained moan that you hear in the hospital.. I always hear it down the hall, never when I am in the room

They took away her IV, and feeding tube.. I guess they cut off her life lines..

It was sooo freaking hard. So now, we just wait..

She managed to mumble out "I don’t want you to watch me" to us.. so we all left.. Everything else she managed to say was jumbled up..

We brought Cooper, and he was a ray of sunshine in that hospital.. he had everyone laughing.. smiling.. Coop was the man..baby.

I wish we knew what we were walking in to though.. I had no idea how bad it was.. I had no idea that when we saw grandma two weeks ago that that was it, that that was the last conversation that we had.. Poor B..

Brandon cried at the hospital.. his grandma meant the world to him.. He is so sad that Cooper won’t remember her.. But I look at it like this: I am glad that he got to know her at all, that he got to touch her life.. I am sad that my grandma never got to be apart of his life at all..

it’s all hard, and heartbreaking.. I hate that my train of thought goes through things like: What to wear to a funeral, do I take Coop to the funeral? I hope the funeral and the wedding next weekend don’t intersect? Will FIL close the store for the funeral (it’s a family run business, and B’s grandpa used to work there too..)

I hate that I can’t just think positive for her.. But when the doctors take, physicaly TAKE all the hope away it’s so hard.

I have other things to write about but it’s all insignificant right now.

xo