Spring Cleaning

I really wish I felt like I could vent about anything and everything to Matt. It’s his one flaw that he’s pretty much told me that he doesn’t want to hear my ‘complaints’ about work. I wish I knew how to tell him that I’m not complaining so much as I’m venting a little to him so that I don’t vent any of it at work by accident. I don’t have anyone who will listen to me talk about work. My roommate probably would if she weren’t too busy venting to me about her job. Carly would if she had the time, but her masters studies are way too time consuming…plus she works on top of that…and then there’s the two hour time difference. My friend Karl would, but he lives in England, and that phone call is way expensive for both of us.

It kind of hit me the other day that I don’t really have any friends in town that I hang out with except Lauren, and I guess Matt, though I tend to classify him differently. I used to have Carly, and I really look forward to when I’ll have her back, but now I’m worried that things will be pretty different. I mean, two years is a long time to be apart with minimal communications. I’m pretty jealous of that ‘best friend’ position in her life, and to be frank, I’m absolutely terrified of losing it simply because we can’t keep in touch well. I’ve already lost so many friends that were long-distance buds (another thing I realized not too long ago). It’s not for my lack of trying to keep in touch either. It just seems that no one has any time anymore. Or perhaps they don’t care.

I had a minor pregnancy scare last week. I just about always start my period on Wednesdays of the week after I’ve finished my birth control pack. I didn’t start until Saturday morning, so it’s fair to say I was a little stressed for half a week. I didn’t tell Matt because I know he’d over-react to it. I mentioned it offhand to Lauren, and she gave me this look of disdain mixed with disappointment. She’s not opposed to pre-marital sex. She’s just of the opinion that I’m careless. I won’t lie. I rubbed it in her face when I started. I’ve not missed any pills for a long enough time that any pregnancy situations would be the odds playing against me…not my fault.

I think that in order to really get into writing again, I’ll either have to establish some rules about talking to me or having the TV on when I’m at my computer (which I’m loath to do since I enjoy getting to spend time with Lauren, and it’s not fair to limit her use of common space), or I’ll have to stop spending full weekends with Matt (another sacrifice I’m hardly willing to make). I truly miss having the chance to express myself creatively, but until I have uninterrupted time to myself, I really don’t see regular writing becoming a part of my life again. I can do it sparingly, but that’s about it. I’m frustrated about that since I’ve so many projects I’d love to kick back into gear. I’ve been getting those oh-so-familiar twinges that tell me there are stories building in my mind once more. I’ll just have to do my best to jot down what I can when I think of it.

My computer has locked Microsoft Word. It keeps asking for a registration code, but I never had one. The program just came with the computer, and that’s all she wrote. Matt says I should be able to call Microsoft to fix it, but I’m disinclined to think favorably on their customer service. I’ve heard too many negative things to be eager to attempt that phone call. In the meantime, I’m doing all of my writing in Notepad. I’m even thinking about posting some of it in here. If I were to do so, it’s likely that I’d make the entries private to protect my ideas, but at least I’d have access to formating that is equivalent to the program that no longer works for me.

I’m really looking forward to April. The trip to Orlando has become my light at the end of a very tiresome and stressful tunnel. I really need that spa day more than ever. I’m getting to the point where I’m checking the ten day weather forecast in Florida every other day or so, just waiting for the day that April 1st will be displayed. I don’t think I was even this excited to go to South Dakota. I guess because this trip will be more vacation-y for me. I’m not going there to meet people. I don’t have to worry about my behavior or language. I can actually let loose and breathe free.

I found out Monday that my ex-fiance has moved back in with his parents. A part of me is not surprised. Another part of me is very disappointed. I know that part of why he did it is because he got kicked out his best friend’s house. I spoke with his best friend (who no longer considers my ex his best friend for a lot of the reasons I left him). Apparently, Aaron didn’t have a job, and Brandon, his friend, worked from home. It was emotionally very difficult for Brandon to listen to Aaron downstairs laughing and talking with Brandon’s girlfriend when he was having a hard time being sociable. The forced move has vastly improved Brandon’s relationship with his girlfriend…even if it dumped Aaron right back into the arms of his pushy, controlling mother. Oh, and I also learned that one of the reasons I left Aaron had more background than I thought. I hated how spineless he was. He wouldn’t stand up for me. He would tell me what he thought I wanted to hear, and then turn around and tell his mother the opposite to keep her happy. Come to find out, he forced himself not to be passionate enough to stand up for anything. The Air Force had confiscated his gun because it had been determined that when he really cares about something, he can be a danger to himself and others in his vehemence. Since his job didn’t require posessing a weapon, he got to remain enlisted. Interestingly enough, I never knew any of this. Aaron never saw fit to tell me. I guess it’s just another sign that I made the right choice. I could have married someone dangerously volatile without having the slightest clue as to his emotional disposition.

As you may have figured out by now, the spring cleaning to which I referred was of some thoughts that have been rattling around my head of late. I don’t have the kind of confidants I used to, so I’ve been holding all of these things in. It feels nice to get them all out….even if it is only in type.