the bottled wasp.

January 6 – Little Christmas – Women’s Christmas – Pixie Christmas – the new moon today is Capricorn, the Builder’s moon – I Make – I Try

Just before Christmas I broke up with the guy I had spent the whole year being wrapped up in – it had to happen, but was still a tough decision – I finally realised he didnt care about me the way I cared about him, he wanted to be ‘just friends’, but let me down as a friend at a time when I needed them the most –

At Cork bus station, waiting to get on the coach for the 16 hour journey to London, I have a moment of torment, time in the countryside has been so lovely, and now I am not relishing the idea of going back to the city to be once again confronted by the absence of my lover –

A man lets me ahead of him in the queue – ‘I dont mind’ I say, ‘You go first, sure we ll all get a seat at the end of the day’. ‘Oh no’ he insists, ‘You go ahead, that can be my karma yoga for the day’. In my mind I do a little eye roll, karma yoga, ffs, so he s one of Those, then – and yet every time the coach stops so we can stretch our legs, there he is, and we get chatting – he is on his way to Guatemala to take part in an ayahuasca ceremony, oh wow, I say, I can tell you a thing or two about Guate – when we arrive in London he comes over to shake my hand, I take him to his bus stop and we exchange numbers, he comes over to my place in the evening with 3 bottles of beer – that first night, the handle of the lock of the door comes off in my hands, effectively locking us in together, are you still talking about coincedences? he says, you know they dont exist – he is an astrologer and does my birth chart for me, it is very possible my mother was wrong about the time of my birth, but then, she had enough on her plate at the time without having to check the clock – the first night we stay up til 4am talking, and then he sleeps til 4pm while I go out to buy a new lock – the next evening he gives his bed in the hostel to a man and his son who are stuck for a place to sleep and comes back out to my place again – we end up spending 48 intense hours in each others company before he leaves at 6am on NYE for the airport –

Here we both are, wounded healers, he is separated from his wife and is being denied contact with their 3 year old daughter, dealing with his dysfunctional alcoholic family in Ireland, and me I am full of everything that the end of the year threw at me, suicidal friends, hard work at the homeless shelter, scabs being picked off wounds I thought had healed, a silent mattress, workshops about abuse, oh, the whole shebang, and yet we managed to create a little bubble of comfort for each other at a time we needed it the most –

Safe journey. Be good. And if you cant be good – be brilliant

I am cursed and blessed, in equal measures – I want my ashes to be put in an envelope, when I die, so that I might send some message out to the world – I am thankful for it all, for you all, for the guardian that the universe has provided –

I wanted to write something real
As high as an apple
As clear as a bell
Not until then
That is my spell