Yes Christine, Beware

I’m not being smart with my title by the way, I am being serious.  I have to agree with whoever that was that left the note in my last entry to have anyone really steer clear of me if they are looking for a good Christian especially for relationship terms. 

I am in a real bad point in my life right now, having been completely drowned by bills and what not forever and many secular mistakes in the past few years, I would say I definitly need some help more so from a Christian stand point.  Here I have a church that I went to since I was born…. and for the last maybe 5-6 years I have only gone maybe 10 times a year so like possibly 60 times in 6 years which is very bad.  I currently cannot remember the last time I went to church, I just know it was months ago.  My grandpa is the preacher there, it is a Baptist church and I used to find myself to be a good Christian youth, but ever since my senior year of high school (03-04), I have been a pretty bad boy.  Granted I have steered clear of drugs and alchohol, hell even cigarettes…  I have not been so leary of sexual pleasures and fulfilments.  I have been with I think 10 sexual partners since my senior year and 7 of those were one night stands that I met on Myspace.com and just happened to hook up with in the same day or night.  Only recently have I had some semblance of conviction due to my lack of character as a man and a boyfriend to the one I really do feel I love…  While dating this girl after 6 months I for some crazy reason decided to go back on Myspace and just flirt around with random females.  For some reason doing this is like getting a buzz, or so I hear from other people.  But it’s an addiction, I am addicted to sex and everything that comes with it and I know this and I hate this, but its very real and it hurts people very close to me including myself.  I lost this girl when she found these vulgar messages on myspace and for the past month now I was working on patching things up and progress was good, until she caught me doing it again…  I am such a stupid jackass…  Why do I do this to her and why do I do this to myself?  So now that she has made up her mind that I am not worth her time, which is very true, I now realize what I have lost what I took for granted for so long.  It hurts more then I ever thought it could and the idea of her ever meeting someone else and me having to deal with that is unbareable.  I am at a crossroads with myself, having to fight my inner sex demons so that I can somehow find any traces of my old Christian self and the character it brings with it, well it’s tearing me apart emotionally and mentally.  My only solution for this right now has to be to get back in church…

So yes mr or ms anonymous, beware of me, beware of Ryan Bates for he is a sick, perverted, cold hearted ass that is self centered and thinks of nothing more then what hangs below his own belt… catch my drift.  BUT, sense your gonna be such the big Christian yourself and point out these character flaws of mine and not even leave a name for me to defend myself to… well that makes me wonder about your character, more so in the courage department.  And sense your such the big Christian why don’t you do some research for me and go back in that Bible you have directed me to and find all the verses that talk about judgement and how not to pass it unless you look at yourself first.  Do that for and approach me as an adult with a spine then, only then, maybe will we talk.  But I do NOT need anyone to tell me my flaws, trust me I beat myself up for them everyday… 

Have a good day