To the anon of the last entry

Now I think you are the same person of all those anonymous notes of my last entry, because you said (i’m still here babbling) so this entry is to you, so I can clearly explain you what my life really is, just read it and I’ll try my best. I have to say, you were trying to be more clear than the last time, but I thought the last time was more clear than this time (sorry). The first times I read it it was a bit blurry to me. Thank you for the first three notes though, they were very very sweet. 

So, you were saying I am most likely among the most sought-after and admired people. Thank you for that it’s a very very nice compliment really :). BUT that I no doubt have results of my mothers alcoholism. Now that’s where you are wrong, I think my lack of confidence for example has nothing to do with my mother. Because I DO recognize I’m normal, and I KNOW my friends are too. Because we lead the same lives. My insecurity is just normal teenage self-doubt which sometimes keeps me from believing in myself and having confidence + the fact that the overthinking and sensitivity is in the blood, might sometimes make it more difficult than other teenagers, but nothing more and nothing less. My mother DID give me correct life lessons, she isn’t a blurry person that stays at home all day drinking, leading no life, and only thinking about herself. I might’ve brought it wrong or you didn’t understand right. The last 7 years, she had like 3 or 4 ‘outbursts’ each year, every time a different kind of level. At the beginning of the divorce between my parents (8 years ago) she had 3 accidents with the car for being drunk (spread over the first years). Or, she was just drunk at home behind the computer but that wasn’t really fun either. But through the years, it improved A LOT and the last year nothing even happend anymore. She has it under control and when I see her drinking I am always watching her and she mostly drinks 2 glasses, max 3. Believe me, I have an eye on her and I know her tricks like putting wine in a coca glass or hiding bottles (she used to do that). And now nothing is left in this house anymore. Further, through the years, EVEN she struggled a lot with divorcing and being on her own taking care of two children, she did support me and my sister the most she could and tried her best, and she still does. And every time something is wrong with me, like me having troubles with my ex-boyfriend, she is there to listen to me and give advice, or just console me. I am wise enough to figure out IF she is giving the right advice and life lessons, because she isn’t the only raise I have gotten. My father and his girlfriend raised me too and they surely gave me a right raise, so I am positive that my mother has raised me well for 90 percent of my life. The only thing I know that I have to do differently from my mother, is to not search a solution in drinking. And spend more time with my kids than she did couple of years ago. But on the other hand, she did search for a job when she got on her own, she payed everything, took care of us and went to evening school to earn even more for us, she recently has 2 jobs, because she likes it and it earns good. She has her friends and she spends time with them sometimes, and we do something together now and then, we watch TV together at night, eat dinner together, and ofcourse have our fights like mother and daughter do. So you CAN say we are a common family and nothing different than other people’s families. And in the end she is only a human too and everyone makes mistakes. And I KNOW she is a good mother. Trust me. I am not the kind of person who got a wrong raise and didn’t know any better, and therefore struggled with normal and wrong. I had to grow up faster than other kids and I learned quickly what was right and what was wrong by using my comprehension and I know she is now doing it right. Yes, I sometimes fear I will become like her on the aspects she did wrong, but that is a choice you make and I consciously choose to not become like her on those aspects I don’t want to. I may be her daughter, but I am not her. I am also my father, and I am me. I choose myself. So with this entry, I wanted to show you what really goes on here, and don’t worry, I’ll be fine. In this I trust myself.