The Big Diary Piece

This is going to be an important diary piece. Lately I was feeling like writing something, but whenever I wrote I couldn’t find it useful enough, or good. I don’t want to be writing things here like what I ate yesterday, or what time I went to bed. No one cares about that, neither do I, those are what I call the details of (my) life. Because I had no inspiration but still was feeling very eager to write something, I went back to my old entries. It was astonishing to see myself writing all those things and I noticed a lot of differences between the person I was and the person I am now. Ofcourse basics remained, yet quite some things changed about me though. First of all, a year ago I struggled a lot with my confidence. I tried, I fell, got back up, and that about a 5000 times. Things got better, and better. I’m still struggling though, but when I glance back at how I sometimes felt a year ago, I improved a LOT. I feel way better and a lot more often. It’s true I guess, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger in the end. Because that was another great ‘happening’ in my life. The boy that was supposed to be my dreamprince, turned out to be not so great. I sincerely believed we would last forever. Until this day I still don’t fully get what happened between us and why he did what he did. One of the causes that I don’t get it is probably because he doesn’t get it either. He’s very confused and he acts as if he’s mister confidence, but inside he has the littlest heart. But I know that it happened for a reason. Through the months I became less naïve and more of a realist. That’s just what life does to you when you go through things. Also, I created a ‘list’ of things that I really wanted to complete, and in fact, without even realizing it I did:

I participate way more in life than I had before. I go out more, I DO more things and it feels great. It’s sad to see kids these days all absorbed by their computer, TV and cellphone. I try to leave those things as much as I can because I know it makes me more unhappy than it does good to me. I really felt better after meeting up with friends and just doing something, doesn’t even matter what. My friends have become very important in the past few years because I know that I have a big need for social contact, I can barely be home alone or I get all down. I drive myself crazy with my thoughts, and when I’m with friends I don’t have the chance to do that.

Another big thing that I made change in this summer, is my clothingstyle. I actually started wearing the things I wanted, and I felt so much more confident. I loved what I wore, and got compliments on it. And it feels great. And re-reading the ‘express yourself’ entry made me encourage that even more.

As for defending myself, that’s also on its way. When people say something to me I can say something back easier than I have before.

Be seen as confident instead of insecure is also something on that list. Well I think you can say people always notice when you shine out confidence or insecurity. And since I have gained confidence, I think they noticed.

The last thing was become happy. I am happy, I really am. It’s just teenage confusion and teenage hormones that sometimes drive me crazy. But I am happy. I have a great family, despite our problems. At least we try and do something about them. I have great friends, and I practically have everything I need. I try and do as much as I can, like the things I’m interested in and passionate about. The biggest change since last year was I think: I gained experience, and got to understand life more. I became less naïve, yet I’m still a dreamer. And I became myself more. I tried turning negative thoughts into positive ones, but it’s quite hard. I found out, that a lot of things have to do with confidence. With that, you can almost achieve anything. I’m not saying I’m misses confidence too, because I still have a lot of bad days, I just feel the difference between then and now. And it feels good, knowing I’ve improved. And I am proud for turning things around. I just find it so weird how much life can change on one year, I am blossoming 🙂 and with this entry I want to encourage other people for turning the things around that they want to change. Because really, a lot of times it’s easier than it seems. You just have to DO it. Go for it, and you’ll be happy you did. And don’t be afraid to ask for help 😉