Lord Help Me!

UGH, I have pretty much been unable to control my depression for a while now.  The last 2 weeks I am a crying mess, and it is for no reason at all other than I look at my life and do not see how i am going to get out of this.

I spend my days off (64 hours in a row) taking Nyquil and Benedryl shooters so I can sleep except for the few minutes I take the dog out or get something to eat.  I literally  spend at least 63.5 of those hours I am off work in bed and asleep as it is easier to face than the lonliness and boredom.  I can see and feel my muscles wasting away from this, and I really cannot motivate myself to care.

I have no one to call to go out with, no $ to go out, no gas to get away from the apt, and no one to talk to.  Literally.  I know this sounds insane, but it is true.  I could call my mom, but then she just tells me how things are going wrong in her life, in my brothers life etc.  The other option is her belittling me, she doesn’t mean to, but she does it. I don’t need to hear that.  I have enough of my own issues.  I am flat broke, literally I do not know if I will be able to afford food when I run out or rent when it comes due.  I am sick and I cannot afford to treat any of it, not the depression, the weight, the underlying cause of it all.  Even when I do sleep, as soon as I wake up the anxiety and worry comes crashing down on me within seconds of waking.  I can feel it happen and I am powerless to stop it.  I can’t listen to the radio, most of the music is too sad.  I can’t watch TV, I end up crying.  I can sleep, and I can read as long as there is nothing sad in the book.  I can walk my dog when I get the motivaiton to (my poor puppy!  I know I am neglecting him) and that is about it.

I have no idea how to get out of this, and no where to turn.  I do not know what I am going to do.  I want so badly to give up, but giving up won’t do any good either.  I hate feeling stuck, having no direction to go in and no way to go in a direction if I did have one. 

Have any of  you ever had this?  How did you get out of it? I am willing to try anything because I honestly cannot find my own way out this time.

© 2006 Lucid Dreaming