A Final Goodbye to Andy

I wrote an email to Andy a week or so ago that said I know you have decided to end our friendship but I couldn’t resist sending you this. It had a link to a rather poignant horrorscope for him. I didn’t get a reply.

I sent this today. One thing you have to understand about what he was to me is that he was my ‘touchstone’ if you are famillar with that.

SUBJECT:A final Goodbye

I have some things to say, that I have to say, and it looks like this is the only way I will ever get to say them now that you have decided to boot me out of your life for delia.
I have to tell you how much it hurt me when I realized you never had any idea of the person I am or was. It tore me apart when you said you thought I handled her very well by not ‘messing about with her mind’ for her stalking, violence and ridiculous anger. I was never the kind of person that would be mindlessly cruel, and it was shocking to realize that you thought that of me, despite being faced with her actions, which are just that.
As for you thinking she is not dangerous, she broke my car window. She did not deny she did when asked about it, and even giggled about, despite you saying that I have no proof.
Whether you believe it or not, she has problems that only a professional can handle. Yet you continue to enable her to be that ill. It makes me wonder how well your own mental state is to keep going back to that kind of relationship. I worry about you, I really do. That is obviously not healthy.
It also rocked me to the core to realize that you are not the upstanding, good person I have loved for all of these years. I could not believe it when you told me that you were finally willing to admit she was sick, but then told me not to do anything to protect myself. You were protecting her sickness by asking me to leave myself open to her. Basically, you put her psychosis above my safety in your eyes.
I knew when we were together I could never be number 2 or even 3 in your life, I would always be less important to you than Debbie, the kids and you were to yourself, and I was ok with that. To find out that I was ranked lower than her illness shocked me, as you still ranked so highly in my life.
When we were together, I could never understand why you couldn’t or wouldn’t love me. I thought perhaps it was me wanting more than you could give and I moved on because of that, despite what I wanted. Yes, I am aware that was my choice and at the time I made it because that was what was best for you, which is also not your fault. Still somehow I always thought that you would still choose to be in my life, and to have me in yours in some capacity. I see now I was wrong, and I accept the responsibility for that, I wasted 10 years being in love with a man that is just not able to love me back. It was my choice and I accept it as such.
I guess the whole purpose of this email was just to let you know that I would still chose you, despite everything that has happend, and it wounds me deeply to know that due to your codependance you would not choose me.
When things change Dear, and you get well enough not to need the codependancy, or even see it for what it is, please contact me. If you need someone to help keep you strong while you end it, please contact me. I think it might be time we got to know who each other is after all this time. I will keep you updated on my contact information as it changes just in case you do decide you want my friendship again.

Thanks for all of the good times, and for having been the rock beneath my life.
Star