Goals Day 1

Yup, I was right.  Failed yesterday too.

Yesterday was baaaaaaad and I am still hung over from it.

My Aunt gave me a ration about the only 2 relationships I have ever had in my life.  I am just totally useless when it comes to men I guess.

She gave me a ration because both relationships have ended very badly.  The first one took all my money, and the second one took my heart.

Now, I did not grow up knowing what a normal relationship was.  My parents hated each other and Mom used us kids as pawns against each other and Dad.  Not a way to learn how others should treat you. 

I never dated until the last ex left, not really.

And my Aunt had to tell me all about how I have terrible relationships with bad men.  They weren’t bad men when I met them (actually they weren’t men but that is a whole other story).  Needless to say she then went on with how I have to find a new way to meet men.  Both of them were met through friends…and kept saying that even after I told her about how I meet men on the net now.  If I like them after talking to them for about 6 months I might let them take me out to dinner and a movie if they seem nice and respectful of women.  If I like them after that, I let them take me out maybe once a month for a few months and then I cut them loose,specifically because I like them.   If I don’t like them, I let them call me their girlfriend and buy me things and then ditch them when they stop buying or I finally can’t stand them.  This to me seems like a great way to protect myself emotionally, despite being quite…normal…for the way men say we treat them.  This way I am only involved with people I don’t like so there is no danger of falling in love or even having them move in with me and things certainly don’t get to a point of sharing finances.

See, my first ex turned into a control freak after 10 years of being together.  We bought a house and he demanded my paychecks.  Being as he had been a good guy for 10 years, I said why not let him handle the finances and the bills.  He stole about 20K from me.  I learned a lesson.  The next one didn’t get away with anything but gifts I had bought him, because I thought I was being very smart about it, but I still got a ration about giving men money and supporting them.

I don’t feel I supported the last ex.  He paid half the rent, I paid half the rent and all the utilities and food, but only because I earned about 4 times what he did and he was never home and didn’t eat when he was.  How is that supporting someone?

So, it seems that I am going to be judged forever by the first relationship I ever had, even though I was 18 and only stayed with him because he was the first man I ever knew that didn’t beat the shit out of me.  I had to get out of where I was, which was home,  and he was the best place to jump that I had at the time.

*sigh* I ended up fixing it with tequila and beer.  Not a good thing when you have been a recovering alcoholic since 13 but it did the job.

Oh yeah, and I dint get laid….or even a date

© 2003 Lucid Dreaming