Some Inner Contemplation

As I was showering earlier (where I do most of my deepest and meaningful thinking), I started thinking about romantic movies and just how much of an impact they have had on my life as a woman. Now this might all sound very obvious, and I’ve certainly have already known that’s what they were meant to do and to some degree how much they’ve affected me. But I really started thinking about other aspects too. They don’t really tell you what happens after you think you’ve found the person of your dreams. What exactly does a happily ever after look like?

Does a happily ever after really even exist? Maybe it only exists for some and others it takes much more work to be happy together. Romantic movies have always shown some sort of obstacles to overcome for possibly both people involved to ultimately wind up together. And if you do see them after they are happy together, the woman becomes pregnant, the man finds out about it and you see the joy spread over his face to see the love of his life carrying the child they have made together; excited and looking forward to being a family…but in real life, this just doesn’t happen for everyone the way you’re made to believe.

And besides the aforementioned family dynamic, lots of romantic movies/characters in tv shows only show the two falling in love and what it takes to get there. Most times the ones I usually have gravitated to were the Meg Ryan/Tom Hanks kind. The cute, quirky and intelligent professional woman meeting and finding the same in her male counterpart. The same things the make them so uniquely different that makes them no good for anyone else except that one other person who can appreciate and love all of that about them. And I’ve always seen myself as someone who goes against the grain in so many ways; not the norm for sure. lol

And so I think I maybe subconsciously thought that someday I’ll have my shit together and find my own Tom Hanks and that everything would be perfect. But here I am, 36 years old, unemployed, no formal education beyond an initial semester in community college, no real career prospects, no money to my name, nothing of worth to really show for my life and no real direction. Sure, I have someone that I love, but that cannot be everything to one’s life.

I don’t think I really thought of having kids while I was still going through the search for my Tom Hanks. I think that’s what really occupied my thoughts and time more than anything else in life and what drove me forward; what kept me going and optimistic about some near future where I would finally find him and then everything after that would be perfect and I’d do anything for that person to make them happy. And while I have found a love in my best friend, I’m not happy. Because I finally just forced myself to think about me and what it was that I wanted for my life, and what I would be willing to do for that. I want to be a mom. To have one or two little ones to care for and look after and give all my love to…but because of the partner I’ve chosen, that isn’t a reality for me. He just doesn’t ever want that for his life.

I quit my job a few months back because it was making me insane with aggravation and unhappiness finally realizing what it was that I wanted to do with my life and being stuck there toiling away at something that was absolutely meaningless to me. Being home the last few months with my SO, I know that that’s where I want to be. Home with my SO and caring for our child/children and our household, making everything run smoothly there. I like being supportive of my SO and being a good partner…but what he wants and needs is for me to find a job and contribute to the rent and bills and for us to keep living our life the way it is, outside of him finally becoming a successful screenwriter professionally.

My problem is, I can’t bring myself to give a shit about doing anything else but being a mom. It’s all I think about and the reason for me being melancholy all the time, even though I always try to hide it on the outside…but that has been taking a toll on me and has started to manifest itself outwardly as well.

Now, I’ve always been of the mind that if you aren’t happy, you have to be the one to do something about it. And I’ve made so many big decisions and life choices in the past to do that, no matter how much it has hurt to do so. I’ve moved back and forth across the country, living in different places, meeting different people and having different experiences because of that. Thing is, I’ve never met anyone like my SO and love being with him. But in order to have a chance at what I want for my life, I’ll have to give him up and let him go. Just trying to come to terms with that alone has been a torment to me.

I need to do it, but I can’t bring myself to go through with it. A few months ago, we almost broke up because we had another talk about my wanting to be a mom and being steadfast and unmoving in that desire…and he was ad about it, but was willing to break up and let me go over it, because he just absolutely does not ever want that for his life. He said it would suck and that it would be really sad because he wants us to be together, but if I couldn’t live without that, we couldn’t be together. I cried throughout the whole thing and he was sad but trying to be understanding about it, but he was also steadfast in his own thinking on the subject. Obviously we are still together, but nothing is really resolved. And here I am still trying to do what needs to be done.

The question is what?