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I am not a depressed person, I am a FED UP person.

I cried on the way to work because I’m so ANGRY that my life has been so full of loss and sacrifice and more loss and disappointment.  I have lost ridiculous amounts of people for someone my age, most of them died young.  I have been in an abusive marriage  and abusive relationships before and after that.  No one ever hit me, mind you, it was all mental abuse.  I used to wish that one of them would hit me so that I knew I was doing something wrong, or so that i would have a real “reason” to leave.  Its hard to convince yourself that someone doesn’t love you if their physical actions still say love, and their words still say that they are sorry and they love you.  I have been mistreated by both men and women, so obviously abuse does not discriminate.  I’m not a victim though, I don’t have that mentality.  Those are experiences that I have had, they don’t define me. They make me stronger I suppose. At the very least it make me know what I don’t want

I have another issue , i guess you could call it, where I get myself involved in long distance situations.  One was even in another country.  I fall in love nad hell.. WE fall in love but it ultimately ends because, oh well one was married, ugh.  And one was a good 13 years younger than me.  so neither of those options were sound choices to begin with but oh i loved them both so much.  The married one was  the kind of attraction that you only feel seldom in a life time.  That ended really really badly for me emotionally.

and yet… I continue to look for love.  Am I just a huge fucking sucker?

I pour myself into people, it drives my friends nuts because they see me giving everything i have to someone who doesnt deserve it.  It aleways leaves me with a shattered heart

fuck. im so angry.  i cant even think properly right now