This entry is for me.

This is entry is for me.  This entry is to intended to write out everything negative and start anew with my weightloss journey. Sometimes i feel like im hopeless and that im never going to lose weight. That no matter what i do im going to be overweight forever.  Everyone says its because im lazy.  Bc i dont stop eating certain things.  Sometimes im confused and dont understand why i gain weight when i eat what everyone else eats.  How is it, if i eat a hamburger ill gain 5 pounds but noone else will? Is my metabolism that slow? Last year, I remember being so fed up with myself that i started exercising like crazy. 8 times a week, and was barely eating anything. I lost 35 pounds, but now this year i step on the scale and realized i gained it all back, plus some. How come i do this to myself. Sometimes i think that lapband would be the best thing for me because im in a constant cycle of gain or lose.  But im better than that, because i still have hope.  When i lose i think, oh im just going to gain it back so i shouldnt throw away my fat clothes.  Is there something wrong with me?

Seriously, sometimes i feel like im the only person in the entire world that has this problem.  Why does my weight give me low self esteem? I have never been able to say that i have felt comfortable being me.  I do not feel comfortable in my skin.  I have such high hopes to accomplish losing weight, high hopes that its going to work this time, but i end up quitting and falling off the wagon.  My little brother started low carb last november, and now he has lose 100 pounds.  He has stuck with it, why cant i? Am i such a failure at this that i will never be able to succeed? Why is it so hard for me?

I will eat healthy and then my cravings just take over and i think, oh tomorrow i will do better but then I dont.  I know that the only person that i can hold accountable is myself.  I wish that i could wear pants and feel great about it. I wish that i could wear a bikini and feel good.  I wish i felt better with myself and my whole persona.  I want so much for myself but dont have the motivation to keep it up.  I say im determined, but am i? Last year, the lowest i weighed in at was 178. 178!! I couldnt believe it. Now im weighing in at 224. What happened? How could i have done this to myself and sabatoged what i was trying to accomplish.  I feel like a failure. I never wanted to write that number. I wanted to just pretend like it wasnt real, or that i havent gained that much weight. But writing it makes it more real. Seeing it made it real.  224. I am not accepting that number. I am making goals and getting started again.  I dont want to sabatoge myself anymore.. Im not getting any younger and i know its going to be harder to lose all this weight the older i get.   LIke i said this entry is for me…for me to start.

This is for me to start. This is for me to whats right. This is for me to not give up. This is for me to look back on and be proud.  This is officially day zero.  tomorrow is the start of my new life, without fast food and carbonated drinks.

your support is needed, we need each other to help each other out and keep check and balances.  Nothing like a little motivation..

-Me

Just to make it more real…i can do this…