here goes nothing.. or everything.

So my toes point to heaven and the sun warms every inch of my body as that coldness washes over me. The icy coldness of "there’s no hope" sliding off your lips. And I wonder why I ever bothered, and how I ever though you were anything more than a cruel joke. The wood beneath me blurs as the colours of the world start to run together. I see that you look worried about the tears. I try to cover them, so you don’t have to deal with them. I never expected you too.  And it was then that you knelt down and took me into your arms and told me that you loved me. Again. Those words can… make or break a person. Usually when you say them… I’d have an irrepressible smile. But this time, it electrified my entire body.

How dare you? After you just shatter my heart with the words of things like "Don’t wait for me". I can’t find a response in all of my vocabulary. So, I just sit there, my head on your shoulder crying softly. And it’s so hot. The heat is disgusting and amazing at the same time. The humidity instantly rises and the awkwardness that should be there, has fled. And for a moment, it’s exactly what I knew would happen. And I kicked myself for ever daring to dream otherwise. Suddenly, you kiss my lips, and I know the tears sliding down my cheeks must have gotten onto yours. Because when I look at you, your eyes and cheeks glisten slightly. I cover my eyes, and you linger in leaving. I wave you in, to come closer, and through tears I say it back… those three words. My heart just erupts because it realizes that it’s true. I watch your back as you walk away from my house, and I sigh.

‘He kissed me….’ I can’t help thinking.

So I wait on the porch crying. Minutes  pass. A quarter of an hour maybe. I open the big wooden door and toss my sweater over my head and walk in. I make my way to my room. A dull pounding silence fills my ears. The tears haven’t ceased. And I wish they would. And I know ways to make them, and truthfully that thought crosses my mind. But I  quickly dismiss it. And I pray. I pray to God that He just take the entire situation. And take away every hurt that I’ve got right now. And I sit up. And I think of you, and I feel for that sharp pain. But… it’s not there anymore. Realizing it’s gone is both satisfying and scary. I still care about you immensely, and I still want you. But I know God’s will, will be done.And I’m okay with that. More than okay. I realize that I’d rather have Him than you… and within that thought there’s an awesome, amazing freedom. Freedom from captivity I never knew I was in.

So, the next morning, I arrive to school at the same time you do. I walk to your car the gorgeous morning breeze whistling it’s way through the air lightly. I am able to smile sincerely as I see you. Smile with freedom. Smile knowing I made the write choice. Choosing Him over you.

I open my back pack, and retrieve the invitation. I hand it to you, and you comment a compliment about the quality of it. It should be nice, I mention, they took me a long time to make. You smile at me, look at me. Look… into me. And you speak swiftly words that shocked me.

"God spoke to me last night. " You say.

Open mouthed I stare at you. It surprises me, but I know God talks to people. So I’m not TOO too surprised. I regain composure and manage to calmly ask –

"What…. did He say?" It came out so serious, that it was almost funny. And I smiled. You paused.

"That I should date you." You replied, and I think I probably stopped walking. I looked up at you.

"Woah." I replied. And then you proceed to tell me details. And more details. About how you weren’t sure, but you are now. And how you… made sure. A lot of times. This was all very quickly. I mention to you that we should talk about it later.

Throughout the day, I thought and thought about what you’d told me. I almost convinced myself, that maybe I had heard wrong. But every time I thought about it, the sincerity of what you were telling me, rang through. I told myself that I’d find out later, and repeatedly remembered my prayer. That no matter what… I want God first.

I think sometimes when we finally surrender something… God finally gives it back to us. When we trust Him with everything.

Let’s skip to now.

We’re dating. And both of us want it to be a God thing. And both of us think it is. And God amazes me. And this is a lot of ands.

And this is a lot of entry.

*nods*