How to silence the voices?

I had a meeting with a lawyer yesterday to draw up the required documents to file for divorce. It doesn’t matter how sure I am; it still makes me sad. I am sad that my marriage ended this way, or ended at all, really. I have these tiny voices of self-doubt crowding my head with sadness, fear, insecurity, and anger. It’s easier to be angry rather than sit with the other uncomfortable emotions.

I never had any inkling that this relationship would devolve this way. It makes me doubt my judgment. Then the rational part of my brain reminds me that we all change in reaction to stressful, life altering events. We did not grow stronger together through ours, but there is no way I could have foreseen that.

I feel fear of an unknowable and unpredictable future. My present was unpredictable…but at least he was predictable in his volatility. This is a wholly different arena of unknowns. I feel insecure that I am ever going to find someone who will love me and my boys the way we need to be loved. There is that voice in my head saying ruefully, “He loves you. He would do anything for you. He loves them now. He is being such a good father finally…”

And then the rational side of my brain reminds me that yes, he does love me…but.

He loved me enough to adopt children he didn’t want, proving he didn’t understand me and my values. He loved me enough to do anything for me, except take care of himself. He loves them now, and he is a good father now, but before that, he made me fear for their safety. I had to be willing to leave to finally inspire that change. There had to be negative consequences for him, not just me and our children. I had to be ready and willing to leave. If the situation was bad enough that I was willing to leave, to face all this upheaval and heartache, then why would I stay?

My voice is so small when I speak of my fears, wounds, and insecurities. Rather than creating space for my voice to echo and gain strength, he crowded it out with the sound of his own voice, his own wounds. He dismissed me, and I began to dismiss myself.

If we could have skipped the twilight zone that was the last year and a half and we were starting from right here, right now, maybe it could have worked. I try to imagine what reconciliation would look like, and I can’t even begin to fathom how we could repair the damage that has been done. There is no repairing this relationship, and I can’t even imagine building a new one on this foundation.

I know these things to be true. That does not make the sadness, fear, and insecurity go away.