that which I can not have…

I figured it out.  It’s this one big thing I’ve always wanted, but never had, and never will.  A chance with Paul.  Really, I SHOULD have a chance with him, but… I don’t think I ever really will.   And I never really did.  But here it is, 2 years after really meeting him (and 3 after starting to have a crush on him) and still no chance.

I have to deal with us being friends.  At least he’s started to treat me like a friend now, and I think he DOES like me… he just… won’t give it a chance.  Because that’s just how he is.  Not my fault if he wants to give up what could have been the best thing to ever happen to him.

In other news, I’m feeling like I don’t really have emotions anymore.  I get happy, at least, I think I do.  I get a little, muted… but rarely actually sad.  I feel neutral instead of depressed.  It’s very weird.  And I’m not sure I’m actually capable of loving anyone new anymore.  Not on a deep level. 

I’ve become a person who just bowls people over on her quest to get what she wants without even knowing if she should want it or not.

Meh.  I wish I hadn’t just spend the past 4.5 hours driving thinking about Paul, and how much I like him, even though we’re not really a great match (unless he’s loosens the heck up!)  Yet, I still like him.  A lot.

My god the boy even got me to like country music, just a little.  I may never forgive him

~KVL