Depressed.

I haven’t written a whole lot lately….suppose I should catch up a bit. Luckily my life has been so boring lately it
won’t take long.

I got my books for the CNA course.  I’ve been doing homework and reading the book as required before the class actually
Starts in January. I’m not really looking forward to getting out of work, and then going to school until 2:00 in the
afternoon, but It’s only for 2 1/2 months. It will be worth it in the end I’m sure.  I’m a little nervous about getting
a new job.  Expecially one that has schedule breaks. I will also be on my feet all day, which I’m not use to. I’ve been
a little spoiled when it comes to just sitting on my ass and taking a break whenever I want.  The job has made me lazy
though. I don’t want to be lazy. I think this job will help me with my weight, too.

December is here.  I’ve been super stressed about money.  My car ofcourse needs to be inspected this month, and it needs
tires and breaks. $400 that I don’t have. My mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas.  I told her just money to help with
my car. So hopefully that will help a little. I got some of my x-mas shopping done. My dad, my mum, and Daerik and Jerramy.
Those kids are hard to shop for, because they get end up getting so many things.  I don’t want to get something they
already have. I helped make some ornaments with them tonight. Eric asked me if I wanted to help yesterday, not knowing that
his brothers fam and jens fam would be there too. I get uncomfortable with all of them there. Almost like a 3rd wheel,
except I can’t say that because it’s a total of 11 + me. Ever since his brother moved here, and he became friends with Jen,
I feel like I don’t matter anymore. It sucks because I can’t talk to my family like I can with Eric or ML. I have never felt
super close to them. When I met Eric, ML and the kids I just felt like I belonged somewhere. Now it’s just back to the way
I felt before. I’m happy for Eric now that he has his family here, and he made new friends. I just feel like I am
forgotten. I don’t see the kids hardly at all anymore….nor do I see Eric as much.  I miss laying with him and talking.
I love him so much. I know because I dream about him all the time, and it’s the only dreams I can ever remember. It’s
usually dreams of him hurting me, which doesn’t make any sense. Maybe because I’m scared of losing him. I’m scared of
disappointing him. I always try to think of ways to make him think I’m special, or ways to impress him. I never think
that way with anything else. I am just rambling now. I’ve been depressed for a while, and none of this is helping. *sigh*