Negative

It’s been a rough couple of months.  I’ve been doing nothing but sleeping. 12 hours a day.  It’s getting annoying, but I am always so damn tired.  Eric seems to think I’m depressed, which is very possible.  My grampy is going to be gone any day now, which I am taking better than I though I would. I’m just worried about my gram. I love her to pieces and I don’t want her to hurt.  He got pneumonia today, so it’s going to be any day now.

I need to start sleeping like a normal person, which is hard when I work overnights. I’m all about routine, and once it goes off track I give up. It’s a shitty habit of mine. Spring is here, and it’s been warm, which is making me want to get out and do more….but at the same time I don’t because I feel fat.  It’s sad when I have to hate summer because I can’t cover up in sweatshirts and jeans. I didn’t feel that way when I moved in 3 years ago.  But that was also 35 pounds ago. I have to figure out a way to be happy with myself once again.

I’ve been having sex for money a couple times lately….I still don’t know how I feel about that. The money is nice for sure, but I’ve always been scared of complete strangers, and the one I met the other day proved that there are complete assholes out there. After what he said to me, my self esteem plummeted, and decided that I was done. We met out in public, and he insisted that he didn’t want to pay me, even though we talked about it beforehand.  I told him I needed the money before we did anything.  He then got up and said "No thanks." Then he mumbled something about how he wasn’t paying for my chubby ass. I don’t need that right now, not with how I feel at the moment. It just sucked.  I cried the whole way home.  I don’t care if that makes me a baby.  If someone calls me fat, I’m allowed to cry. Whatever. I’m over it now. 

I hate how I have such a negative diary, but I only feel like writing when something is bothering me.  Maybe I should try to write an entry when I’m happy, but in the meant time….I may as well add another negative piece. I sold my first item on etsy a month or so ago. I was all excited….it was awesome. Well, turns out she left me some negative feedback. She said the blanket was wrinkled when she got it, so she washed it, and the fabric faded. Then she added she wouldn’t be gifting it at the shower.  That made me feel awesome. Obviously, if I can’t make my first customer happy, I’m bound to fail the rest.  I’m done with that stupid website. Not everyone is meant to be successfull on thier own.  I’m just going to do what I used to. Read books and keep to myself. So I’ve been ordering some books to read, as I miss reading anyways.  I’ll probably spend most my time reading them in Eric’s basement, seeming Erica’s new boyfriend is always over. I’m so sick of seeing them being mushy gushy and lovey dovey. I’m happy for her, but damn. He brings her flowers a lot, and they just seem so damn happy.  I’m jealous, and I want that.