A Different Woman

Today I have an interview for a job at a dungeon. And tonight I’m staying on a luxury yacht. Just another day in the life.

It’s weird, this diary having followed me around all these years. Were it a paper diary I’m sure I’ve have lost it in my travels by now. But this collection of one and zeroes remains. It’s so odd thinking about how much I’ve changed in that time. When I started writing on Open Diary, I was 22, living in a different city, only half way through my undergraduate degree and still with bloody Jericho. It doesn’t even seem like the same person who sat down and wrote “You hear about MIDLIFE crises all the time…” Maybe if I’d know what a beast this diary would turn into, I’d have put some more thought into my opening sentence! Mary of 2000 seems so naive and green. And how much I thought I knew about the world then! I wonder if I’ll be looking back at this diary at the age of 32, saying “Mary of 2005 was so naive and green!”

I’m delighted. It feels wonderful that I’m so different to what I was, it feels wonderful that things have changed so much and that this diary has been there throughout. A bit patchily over the past year or so I’ll admit, but there’s stuff there. It’s good to have appreciation of the person I was, and to look forward to the woman I’m going to be, whoever she may be. I never thought I’d turn into the woman I am today

Like this, for example. I’m reading this entry right now. It’s not terribly exciting so don’t feel obliged to go and read it. But it’s about not feeling terribly self-confident and being unsure of my abilities to communicate with people (prompted by my getting a job in a rest home where I was going to have to interact with people a whole lot). And now my job requires me to be incredibly outgoing, to trust in my ability to make interesting conversation with and flirt with strangers. And I’m good at it. My boss, who is good at encouragement, often compliments me on my outgoing nature and my ability to get even the most reticent men talking. To new girls she’ll say, “Watch Stella at work (Stella being my working name). She knows how to chat with the men and make them feel special.”

I know a couple of years ago the very thought of doing this would have scared the beejeezus outta me, even more that the idea of having sex with strange men. But today I’m a different woman. What I love about this diary is that it lets me see that and track the changes. I’m who I am now cos I got that job in the rest home and found that I could interact perfectly well, which grew my confidence so I could take on more challenges. And where I am today is another challenge which is helping me grow even further. Magical how it works, isn’t it?