In which Laura divulges TMI and finishes her taxes

I hate the human mind. The dumbest thing happened to change my entire attitude and I truly hate to admit that I’m prone to the same melodramatic whims as soap opera characters. 

So after I got off work on Monday night I went to meet Mac at the cafe to see him and his friends play. I had imagined somehow that there would be a large group and that I’d get to meet everyone. I met one guy and briefly said hi to another girl. Otherwise, it felt very much like a date and I was very uncomfortable with that. I must have looked like absolute shit because Mac kept asking if I was tired or if I was bored and would like to leave. I’m mature enough to understand that when people ask if I’m tired, they really mean to say that I’ve got huge, dark bags under my eyes. I was planning to stay later because I genuinely enjoy live jazz, but after, like, the 10th time of being asked if I was tired, I said I was and left. Like, fine, either you don’t want me here or I just look that awful. It was while I was at the cafe, however, that something piqued my interest…I forgot how we got on the topic, but we were talking about piercings with one of Mac’s friends and Mac says, "I know someone at work that has a prince albert." I immediately got him to spit it out that it was Caleb. Hah! After a little further digging into Mac’s story I came to the conclusion that Caleb does not, in fact, have his dick pierced and that Mac doesn’t understand the difference between being open minded and active participation. However, this is just my personal opinion. Maybe Caleb does and maybe he doesn’t. Here’s the twisted part: I want to find out. 

And that is why I hate the mind. I went from being perfectly content with my decision to not get involved with anyone (I had even convinced myself that Kristy was lying when she said that Caleb liked me, that she just wanted to stir something up to see what would happen) to wanting into someone’s pants. I’d be perfectly happy with a one night stand or even a no-strings-attached type thing (this is why I happily keep in touch with Chris), but I don’t see that happening with a coworker. Also, I’m a coward who cannot ever express exactly what it is I want from others. 

So, all week I’ve been acting like a dumb teenager, watching out and hoping to get any chance to talk with Caleb. 

I kind of got a chance on Tuesday. I was supposed to have Tuesday off, but I was offered more hours. I spent eight hours on the sales floor zoning. Let me take a quick tangent here: zoning is the most boring, stupid job ever. I cannot believe I got paid to walk around between three departments for eight hours just straightening things out. HOLY SHIT. Also, I stiffened up quite a bit. My back ached and my knees and hips didn’t work at all by the end of the night (I’m going to make one hell of an old woman). At least I had fun interacting with new people and they all seemed to think I was fantastic at such an awful job. /tangent. Caleb and I kept running into each other, since he regularly works on the sales floor. I first became aware of his presence when I helped a woman find some super glue for her bike. Having worked in Michaels, I was able to offer her some alright advice on what glue to get, but Caleb had spotted me fumbling around trying to find the right aisle and came over to help. Well, fine, rescue me and make it known that you can build bicycles. Then we exchanged some friendly words throughout the night. A half hour before closing we found ourselves working within close enough proximity that we were able to talk a little more. He asked about what I was going to school for, yada yada, and let me know that my nose ring was off center. That was a little awkward. Not because I mind (quite the contrary), but because I find it awkward whenever anyone notices little things like that- it means that they looked at me close enough to notice. I found it especially awkward since he also has a septum ring and just thinking about piercings made my mind jump straight into the gutter. Oops. 

So, yeah, I have a bit of a crush. And I have to share just one other detail. He stopped into work the other day just to check his schedule. He was leaving as I was coming in and, by the looks of it, he was headed out to smoke. Now, I don’t find smoking as rebelliously attractive as I did when I was in high school, but I have this dumb attraction to hipster culture. Yeah, I admit it, that scraggly hipster ‘stache is damn sexy on the right kind of guy (see: Joe Van Moyland). Caleb doesn’t have facial hair, but I’ll be damned if he didn’t walk out of the store with a wooden pipe in his mouth. I laughed as soon as I was far enough away that he wouldn’t hear me. It’s just so…eccentric! Also, I just find pipes funny because Meghan and I pretty much solidified our friendship freshman year by wasting an entire day shopping all over Boulder for a wooden pipe. Meghan doesn’t smoke, but she has a healthy appreciation for irony. 

(This entire paragraph about sex, just fyi) And now I feel I have to address one of my underlying fears about all this nonsense: sex. Penile-vaginal penetration, more specifically. I don’t like it. Or rather, I get much less enjoyment out of it than I do other things (things that don’t involve a real penis). It hurts! And not in the way that I need to see a doctor or anything, it just doesn’t feel comfortable. I’ve only been with two guys; the first was Sam. Sam’s not, like, porn-star-big or anything, but he’s average and there’s no way I could ever have a vaginal orgasm with him. Too much…fitting…going on to actually enjoy it on my end. Sam is actually the reason I bought my first dildo. I thought maybe if I practiced, I’d be able to make it more fun for everyone. All that did was make me like clitoral stimulation even more. I was almost able to orgasm with Chris, because he was smaller and I could actually move myself to get the right feeling. Unfortunately, we only got the one chance. When I’ve been with girls, things are LOT easier because there doesn’t have to be anything phallic involved at all. And if there is, it can be changed to suit everyone’s needs. So, this makes me anxious. Suppose things do progress between Caleb and I and suppose we get far enough that sex is imminent. What do I do if he’s too big for me? The guy is pretty tall… MORE importantly, what happens if I never find a man I love who I connect properly with sexually and I’m forced to come out to my parents and they disown me and the world blows up, etc., etc. The proper, mature answer to this is, of course, to talk with whoever my sexual partner is and let them know what I like and don’t like. But I’m not THAT mature. I guess I got a little practice with Elise, talking about that sort of thing with someone I truly loved, but that didn’t make it any less awkward. It also helped that she didn’t have a penis. 

Long story short: I’m curious, but I’m afraid for things to get very far lest I have to face situations that I find uncomfortable.

There, I can be succinct when I want to be. But that’s no fun. 

You know what is fun, though? Taxes! Yeah!

I’m visiting my parents right now and taking the opportunity to zip through my taxes. I’ve been here since Wednesday night. I got mom into Downton Abbey. I just started watching that show the other night l

iterally because Chelsea Handler said I should. I’d heard about it before, of course, but I was bored, watching Chelsea Lately, and Chelsea kept going on about how great the show was. She also mentioned hot Scottish accents and I was hooked. The first season was on netflix, so I got through it in one night (the first night I’ve stayed up til 3:00 since I was 15). Mom hadn’t watched the first season like I told her to by the time I got home, so I rewatched it with her yesterday. Today we got mostly through the second season. Such a good show!!! I’m usually so awful at rooting for any romance that isn’t between two men, but the writers and the actors are able to create just the right amount of chemistry for me to get excited about Anna and Bates, Sybil and Branson, and Mary and Matthew. OMG I just love them all! It also helps that I Mom and I adore period pieces like that. She’s randomly spiritual and believes in past lives. She asked if I felt anything for the Edwardian/WWI era, because she’s more drawn to the Victorian era. I don’t know. I don’t feel as drawn as she does to specific moments in history, but if I had my choice of a time in which to have lived, I guess it wouldn’t have been so bad back then. There was a lot of exciting political crap going on and there was just enough technology that I wouldn’t be totally roughing it. Except, there was this book that I read a bunch of times when I was little, Catherine, Called Birdy, and I always thought I would have liked to have lived in Catherine’s time (the 1200s or something) and been just like her. Fun fact: Catherine is my saint name. I wonder if I was subtly influenced by that character…

I got mom to go shopping and buy me some new clothes. =) I would feel a little guilty…if she and Dad weren’t leaving to visit Mollie next week. 

So, got my hair cut super short and then went out to buy hair gel just to try this out. I kinda dig it, except that by the end of the day I look like Tintin. 

Down

Up