It’s been three years

 I cannot believe my diary is still here. I stopped updating when life became a little too much for me to handle and then I guess I just forgot to ever come back. I didn’t forget about the people here and the vast amount of support I received, I just…I dunno. Story of my life. When things are too overwhelming for me, I back off. I either hide until the problem has gone away or I make myself hated in order to avoid the real issues. I’m thinking more of personal relationships than anything OD related. 

I felt awful when I read the last notes on my last entry. Most of those who were concerned for me have moved on and will never know what happened to me. Nothing happened. I got help with my eating disorder from La Luna, made amends with my sister, got her help with her disorder, graduated high school and started as a freshman at University of Colorado in Fall 2009. I began as a marketing major and since then I’ve picked up Sociology as a second major. I got my first retail job and quit my first retail job. 

I lost my virginity to a girl I dated for a few months during the summer in 2010. I broke up with her to date Sam. Yes, that Sam. He and I went out for awhile, but I ended that relationship the way I end all relationships: by falling out of love and/or by not communicating what I want and then withdrawing emotionally. I fell super, super hard in love with this girl, Elise. I thought I’d finally gotten something right, but I withdrew from that relationship, too. I hooked up with a guy while I was visiting my sister in Florida (because that’s where she goes to school now). I’m really not going to date for awhile. 

I pierced my ears and gauged them to 0’s, pierced my septum, and have four tattoos as of January 3rd. Despite this, I’ve mellowed out considerably.

I got my first rental house with Tamara, Kelsey, Breanna, and a friend I made freshman year, Meghan. We moved out and our landlord screwed us over. Now Meghan and I live with her friend (and now my friend) Hannah. Meghan had a mental breakdown over the summer, though, and she hasn’t been the same since. She’s moving out at the end of the lease. She owes me a shit ton of money. =(

I adopted a dog of my own and my mom finally adopted our foster dog, Baxter! Isabell is my Jack Russell mix <3

I’ve been doing alright. This semester is stressful. I quit my job at Michaels on the 17th and now I work as a cashier at Target. I get paid less, but some weeks I have more hours and now I have the opportunity to go out some nights without having to worry about getting up for work in the morning. 

I still get angry and depressed at times. I’m no longer on zoloft. The shift in attitude and maturity is evident in my picking up a second major. I first decided to major in marketing because (1) I wanted a job that would make a lot of money and (2) I thought learning how to trick people into buying shit would be awesome. I picked up sociology as a major after taking a socy class on gender and sexuality. It was fascinating and offered a different way of looking at all the shit that’s going on in the world. "What, you mean the hatred I feel/felt toward my body is as much a result of social institutions as it is my own psyche??" Now I would like to eventually use my two degrees either to work at a nonprofit or get a teaching license and get kids thinking critically about society. 

I just like catching up whenever I lose track of any diary for extended periods of time. I found this in hopes of using writing as a way to work through some frustrations I have with life today. 

 
Later <3