Patronus

The chapters my therapist sent me describe a process called ‘resourcing,’ which is basically just thinking of a happy thought and expanding on it so that it’s a fantasy-memory. Toward the end of the chapter it compared it to casting Expecto Patronum which I loved, of course. I figured I would put serious work into it and write out my fantasy-memory so that I can actually use it tomorrow.

I’d like to think of walking with Isabell over the trails of open space in South Boulder. It’s perfect out there because you can take a hundred different routes and rarely run into anyone else. You can just keep walking and walking and know that you’re never that far from the car. One time we walked all the way to the edge of the property where we could get close to some of the giant windmills out there. It’s late summer/early fall when the grass has turned brown and it’s not too hot out, but I’m comfortable in shorts and a t-shirt. There’s a light breeze that keeps me cool and blows across the tall grass in waves toward the Flatirons. Isabell is walking in front of me with her ears up and her crooked tail curled as much as it will go. Every once in a while she looks over her shoulder at me and gives me one of her smiles. It’s dry out and it smells like the dirt we’re kicking up. The only sounds are of the wind in the grass and occasionally a car passing down 93.

Or lying in bed with Isabell against my chest and she has her paws hooked over my hand and her head on my pillow. I have my nose pressed to the back of her head where I can smell a little bit of her ears which smell like cornchips and the clean fur on her neck. She’s so warm and comforting laying against me. Her butt stretches all the way down past my bellybutton. She takes long, deep breaths and I try to match hers until she starts snoring. I touch my finger to the pad of her paw and feel how it’s soft near the top, but dry and cracking around the edges. She lets me spread apart her toes and stroke over them with my thumb. We’re both buried beneath a heavy blanket that’s not too hot and only the tops of our heads are poking out.

Clearly I love my dog. One of the suggestions was to improve a memory by adding in something like a childhood pet so I instantly thought of sitting at the lake with Buddy, but then I started crying and I’m sure that’s not the point.

It’s been a weird day emotionally. I ended up driving over to my parents’ house to watch Outlander with my mom. On the way there I watched this poor bunny running in circles trying to dodge cars turning left from Harmony onto Lemay. I covered my eyes as I came to a stop at the light and started crying at that, but the bunny made it safely back to the corner.

Mom packed up all of my ornaments from childhood and I have the sitting in a box downstairs waiting to go up on the tree.

Sam was asleep when I left and was gone when I returned. I worked for a bit and then took Izzy on a 1.5hour walk, which was lovely. When I returned it looked like maybe Sam had been there and left again? There was a pile of books by the closet I hadn’t noticed before. He hasn’t been home since and I feel bad saying it, but I’ve enjoyed having this day to myself. I spent it exactly the way I wanted to.