My Biggest Fear

The lights are dim, the music fills the room, and we’re dancing. The room is filled with unoccupied chairs and round decorated tables like an empty wedding hall. The only people reacting to the blare of the stereo and the glossy wooden dance floor besides myself are Kari and Kate. Kari, my girlfriend, and Kate, a long time friend of mine. The three of us dance like idiots unaware of our surroundings, but in perfect harmony with the music. A fourth person pops in and out of sight…she may be more of a presence, but her influence is noticed. I see Rachel’s face appear one moment behind Kari, only to disappear and reappear behind Kate. Rachel may not be there in a physical way, but I feel her. Suddenly the three-and-a-half of us escape behind a wooden bar. We sit both Indian style and kneeling, as we rummage through the liquor bottles. I end up pouring a mixture of alcohol and concoct what looks like a pink fruit induced martini. As I hand the glass to Kari, she suddenly becomes my sister, Hayley. Hayley is 14 years old.  As Hayley, Kate, and I clink glasses and focus on drinking them, I notice Hayley makes a quick, sudden, and suicidal gesture. She pours a powdered detergent atop her mixed drink and swiftly brings it to her mouth. In that instant my hand automatically slaps across her left cheek in a direct, forceful, and preventative way. I slap not only to save my sister, but I do it under the direct influence of my mother’s sadness had Hayley taken that fateful sip. The shriek of that hand to cheek slap awakens me in a frenzy of guilt…

Terror. Shock. Emotion. Repression. Sadness…

Five years ago I lost a close friend of mine who suffered a tragic train accident. My life after this moment changed. No matter the important of this friend in my life, nor the quality of life I thought I had at this point, this tragedy awakened a part of myself that will never come to rest. It began a spiral of emotional detachments that caused me to separate the love I had for some things from the fateful inevitability I foresaw these things facing. It took years for me to realize this habit, but the small steps I took in overcoming this unhealthy reaction have allowed me to live my life somewhat normally. I write about, dream of, see, and feel Rachel in many ways.

My dream demonstrated to me the reality of four important women in my life. Losing any of these living three women – my mom, my sister, and my girlfriend – is my biggest fear. I have already lost Rachel, so I have mentally prepared myself for the worst. In my dream I was deeply saddened by how Hayley carelessly attempted suicide all because she was having a hard week. I slapped her because it would literally kill me lose her. This slap was not only for me, but the mother who I love dearly. Losing Hayley would create the loss of my mother, thus losing two prominent figures in my life. The spiraling emotional detachment I suffered five years ago and thereafter would ignite all over again had Hayley taken that sip.

I am happy this was only a dream because I don’t know what I would do if it wasn’t.