a Hug and a Kiss

It’s funny what a hug and a kiss can do. A simple bodily gesture between a man and a woman can sometimes solve a problem better than anything else. My hand pulling her closer into my chest, my lips pressing against hers, our hearts beating in sync with each others…

I can’t tell right now whether I am out of my mind confused or quietly frustrated with her. One day it’s good, the next week it’s okay, the following two days its bad, and then the cycle loops back around, but in no particular order. I tend to live my life with a clear sense of order and direction, but when it comes to relationships, the linearity is often skewed.

Lately things in my life have been going good. My job is working out well and the career path I am sliding into should be taking off soon. I am not only keeping up with daily exercising, but I am adding new tougher elements to improving my results. The other half of me is my girlfriend. We have moved forward with so much success since we first started nearly 10 months ago. When momentary lapses occur that set us off course, we seem to take leaping hops backwards toward what we "used to be." Last night after too much drinking and apparently odd and snappy behavior from me towards her, we fought. My temper that only seems to ignite during these types of fights came out in full force…

The morning after a fight is awful. Waking up with a splitting headache still isn’t as bad as the thought of the night before. With a clearer, sober mind now, I examine the situation (what I remember) and immediately feel sick and embarrassed for treating someone I love this way. I believe my love for her, somehow and in some weird way, doubles my anger towards her when she upsets me. Is this normal? Can loving someone make a fight more verbally abusive and hurtful? I felt like I yelled things at her that were soaked in hatred and spite when I don’t hate her at all. Yelling at her at the time seemed reactive to the anger she caused me, but the mental torture it filled me with was not worth it. I know alcohol will undoubtedly make fights worse, but this can’t be an excuse. We have used it as a means to justify fights in the past, but its fruitless if they continue regardless of previous apologies. I don’t know what to do. She asks me if there is something I am not saying- something on my mind I need to get out. My reply today was "no," but obviously it should be "yes." 

I need to focus on her and clear the thoughts and curiousity of others out of my mind. She is great beyond words. I can’t describe how good she is to me and how LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY I am to have her. Then what is wrong? Why are there days when I don’t look at her with the same passion, desire, and appreciation I know I have for her on all others? Other woman may possess a trait or even a physical aspect I enjoy more, but I’d certainly not give up her endless kindness and compassion she adores me with.

Some day when I stop beating myself up over "what if things were different" and zone in on how great it is with her RIGHT NOW, I will be happy.

Getting back to that hug and kiss dynamic…I ended the silence and the stagnant mental air we seemed to drift in and out of today by a hug and a kiss. It won’t fix everything everytime, but when repairs need to be made to avoid any long term damage, a simple hug and a kiss is always there to take advantage of…and if you’re lucky, a quick trip to the bedroom can really release the gloominess of any dark day with your significant other.. Ha