hope + happiness

     I guess from this point on all I can do is hope…I can hope for new beginnings. I can hope for friendly conclusions to unfriendly endings. I can hope for a life not consumed by confusion, but rather by keen impulsive actions. I want to go with my gut instinct and feel comfortable about these decisions. Whether this be to falter at the hands of my unsturdy mind or to overcome the pain of the choices I make because I am forced to, I want to be happy. Is that, that bad? Does being happy undoubtedly string along a price of detriment that you must pay in order to succumb to this form of pleasure? I will never know, nor ever understand, why I do the things I do while making the choices I make, but the answers must be engraved in my character- and a person’s character isn’t a matter to be dealt with lightly. Do we build our lives around our character, or do we build our character around our lives? I don’t know…

     If I am able to singlehandedly hurt the one I love the most, or even disappoint the one that has always been there for me in the past, why can my character so easily dive into these games of selfish lust? I believe making yourself happy may be the ultimate deciding factor when you truly have to guage the consequences of your decisions. However, I believe that happiness is a virtue only obtained by those capable of fully appreciating and valuing the worth of this form of pleasure…perhaps happiness isn’t really happiness if you are hurting someone else at the same time.

     So, for now, I am going to spend the rest of the night smoking weed, drinking with friends, and ATTEMPTING to find momentary happiness…though I know I shouldn’t smoke or drink after last night, I know that if I can’t find happiness in the moment when it’s needed, than the alternative would be so much more destructive then a few lousy drinks and blunts…

     Let’s hope my life never gets to that point…