Destructive anger
Over the last few weeks I have come face-to-face with guilt. I have set myself on a destructive path that only has led me to feel sorry for the actions or words I chose to abuse at the time and place I chose to abuse them. What have I learned from these encounters of guilt? I have realized, maybe not learned, that I need to be more careful, and what I actually discovered are the places and reasons for my sometimes spontaneous, out-of-place, and occasionally destructive temper that erupts from a place within me that is so precariously built among a pool of instabilities.
It could be a stranger on the street, a girl I’m close with, a professor I may be disgruntled by momentarily, or even, and I clench my fists in disgust to even admit, my eleven year old sister. Hayley and I are more similar than we even know. Between the ten years separating us, I believe our mentalities and drives in life are concurrently identical in age. To say I love my sister Hayley unconditionally is an understatement. So is it normal that I can so easily lose control of that inner demon and exude this unnatural anger towards my eleven year old sister? I have seen this destructiveness spark from my brother Greg towards others and Hayley as well, but I know it is because he is more verbally aggressive than me. Though I question this since I have become more and more aggressive over the years, I have always held back this temper towards my sister. Tonight, after arguing with her about insignificant issues, I said without even thinking, without holding back until after when I hit myself for saying it, "Shut the fuck up!"…The tears, the disappointment, the sadness in my eleven year sister’s eyes in that moment shattered me. I didn’t say anything, but I felt disgusting.
Types of angers vary, and I believe the way we chose to deal these hands of shameful frustrations are distributed by the state of mind we are in at that moment. Last week after I put one of my housemate’s in an extremely uncomfortable position by cracking (though unintentional) a joke that was traumatic for his girlfriend who also happens to be one of my closest friends, I felt awful. I hurt someone I care about and I put my friend in an awkward position. She later asked me after an expressive detailed email she wrote me how I would feel if someone hurt Lauren? My response? "I would kill them. I would be in jail." You know what the scary part is, I’m not lying. There are few, if any, times when I have seen Lauren hurt or offended in front of myself in the past. I can’t imagine what the damage would be if she was hurt by another guy in a single moment combined with a bad day I might be having.
I thought that it was a general characteristic of myself that I care so deeply about those that I love and the heights I would surpass to protect these people. This is what I believe the reason I care so much about others is…perhaps I was born upon or grew into this sort of mind set. Think about a mind set where you need to help others and as a result your anger is unevenly dispersed to other aspects of your life- like the anger I’d have towards someone that hurt Lauren, someone that lay a hand on my sister OR the uncharacteristic anger I can so easily destroy the ones I love with.
Anger is a tricky, unpredictable, and volatile part of everyones’ lives, it’s just how we chose to use it that really begs the question, am I an angry and temperamental person or does my aggression stem from the compassion and sincerity I generate towards others?