Then only for a minute I want to change my mind ‘Cause this just don’t feel right to me..

So, currently I am sitting at this little coffee shop in the new town I moved to. Thinking about my life and what I did last night. I am not proud of myself by any means…. I am disgusted.. Wondering if I should even be dating right now.. I just feel like everyone I meet.. they aren’t what I am looking for. And these men just force themselves on you.

Last night I did go on a nice date. The guy was nice… a little hyper.. but nice.. Definetely not my type physically. He ended up coming to my new apartment to shower before we went out on our date…. It was so weird.. but I felt bad.. I didn’t want him to have to go out smelling like a bar… So I let him. He brought me this huge orchid… Now… Orchids are my second favorite flower so I was over the moon.

Anyways we went out and had an excellent … EXCELLENT dinner.. had drinks.. went back to my place and yea…. and now I feel like anything I felt for him is gone. I just feel grossed out. It’s weird idk. Almost like dating is not even worth my time…. and his.. member *cough* was on the small side…

No  Bueno..

Met another guy this morning just for coffee and to talk about hiking trails… I come up the steps of this coffee shop and he is alllll over me right away… Like WTF is wrong with these men?!?! He was sitting there making weird noises and what not at me… It was really uncomfortable. He left to go run… I went to give him a hug and the next thing I know his tongue was down my throat… It was disgusting… I pushed him away… and he came back and did it again….

Like…… I just can’t.

I just fucking can’t.

I want D back….. I always wanted him to touch me.. I never felt disgusted with him. Never felt like I couldn’t get away from him fast enough. I don’t want to spend my life comparing him to everyone I meet… but god damnit…. everyone is so sub par compared to him…

And it’s killing me….

I am going to head back to my place and clean some stuff up and head back down the mountain to see my parents.

Please pray for me…. I am a mess and I know it hahaha