funk

Lately I’ve been feeling in and out of ‘depressed’. I don’t have a bad life. Just seems little things annoy me more. Deep down what I really want is a day to myself. No Aaron, no dogs, no where to be. Just sit at home for hours and hours. To get away from life I lay in a bed with the lights off. Door is open cause I don’t want to be rude, dogs and Aaron can still see me.

Aaron’s friend, Jess, recently broke up with her ex. She said she has no place to go so Aaron said she could stay at our house til she gets on her feet. She’s not working now. She’s a nice person, just another reason I can’t have time to myself. She seems to know a lot of people, has no desire to start looking for her own place or stay with others. I told Aaron that she can stay at the shelter, Aaron said that sounded a little mean. Maybe so….but a free place for her to stay til she gets a job, finds a place. And she’s gotten alone time at the house! Kinda jealous about that. She did clean some (cause Aaron told her to….I don’t have time to clean, Aaron doesn’t clean much unless I tell him). I feel that Aaron’s a kid that is allergic to cleaning sometimes. I don’t clean up his messes much

With Jess, I kinda feel like she has to be treated like a kid. A few nights ago, she said she’d be back to the house at a certain time. She never showed up. I got anxious, worried….which lead me to not sleep. Gave Aaron an anxiety attack (he had to take his medication).

I am part glad she’s around cause she did some cleaning, which was super nice. She can help take care of the dogs when Aaron and I are working (we went out of town Saturday and she was taking care of the dogs all day), the dogs like her. This may seem kinda odd, but I’m glad she’s around to cuddle with Aaron. I don’t like to cuddle much. I don’t like sleeping in the same bed with him (I need space). So she does that…..Once again, if anyone new reading this, Aaron and I are in an open relationship.

Several days ago a childhood friend posted on facebook something about ‘what do others what for Xmas cause I don’t know what I want’. She was specifically asking women, so men would have an easier time getting gifts. Most said heavy blankets, bedding, books. I said I wanted ‘alone time, bills paid for a month, and full spa day’. Some other ladies did say spa day related things too. After I posted my response I realized I need time to relax, that’s what it amounts to.

A few days ago I came to the conclusion I don’t want to do Aaron’s family present exchange (for christmas) anymore. I want this to be the last year for me, kinda late to say anything now. Aaron’s family draws 1 name. Have to give that person a present. When we drew names, Aaron’s parents got each other’s names. Aaron’s mom said, ‘that’s ok, this exchange is for the kids anyway’. She meant it as Aaron, me, Aaron’s brother and his girlfriend.

But all we’re doing is just exchanging money (buying gifts). Which resorts back to someone paying my bills for a month. I don’t want to buy a present for someone else when I can use that money to pay for my car, pay for my insurance, pay for my phone, etc.

I love Christmas, I love this time of year. I’ve been so stressed the last year with money issues cause I got my new car (old car was getting to be a dump and needed a lot of repairs). I love the idea of giving gifts….in this sense…..I see something that I know someone will love. Or someone kept talking about something, but they don’t have the money to get it for themselves. So I’d be willing to give it to you.

Example: I want a tattoo. I don’t have the money to pay for it (bills come first). So in a sense, it would be nice if someone was willing to pay for it for me.

I know once I express my feelings to Aaron’s family, they’ll probably freak out. Mostly Aaron’s mom and Brandi. They are so hard to deal with

My sisters and I stopped giving each other gifts years ago. We focus on our mom. She doesn’t have much money. She always needs something (clothes, stuff around the house….but she always pays her bills instead of getting herself what she wants). And we’ve focused on my sisters kids….cause they always need clothes