And, finally, the meltdown…

I knew it was coming, I could feel it building up and up and up. Like a pressure cooker. Meds were holding it back but that was just a stop gap. So, in the living room, all the pressure broke and put me down on my knees with my back to the mirror so I couldn’t see, and door to the upstairs bathroom closed for privacy.

I thought really thought, with me being upstairs n such that I could cry out loud and not be worried about being bothered by HIM or anyone really. But, no, apparently I really lost it and he was downstairs and heard me still. So up he came all “concerned”, then tells me that I shouldn’t be upset and that I was wrong to feel this way. Wait, who the fuck are you to tell me how to feel…then he wants to give me a hug, and I said no thank you and he got upset and left. (Why would I let you touch me? It makes me sick. It encourages him to excessive sexual comments, and sometimes groping when I do that). There was still a lot of inappropriate shit tho.

So I got quiet nearly silent, except the sniffling, one of those of quiet kind of crying where I swallow my sobs and bite my fist, and kept cooking dinner and puttering upstairs to avoid everyone a and get still try to feed them. (It was what he asked me to cook. I started it right after he got home after work.) I ate some, told 19y/o It was done knowing he was probably  not going to eat it, and told HIM that it was done. I didn’t take as much as I wanted, ya know to make sure we all got some.  Neither of those fuckers ate any. I told them both it was  done and HE asked for it.  But no he ate salad, and didn’t eat, and since he’s the one who usually puts it away (ad I  didn’t know this until just a bit ago) 2/3rd s of dinner got left on the stove overnight so it’s no good. My bad for having a meltdown and going straight into my bedroom  and shutting the door. Took my nap. Got up at 1am. Went on to do the paper route with HIM.  Bickered all night, stood in the street with a flash light while he yelled at me and I was happily having dark fantasies involving that flashlight and his head…

Almost had my second meltdown out there with him.

Worthless, broken, bitch, cunt, whore, slut, witch, failure, dead, loser, mother, daughter, little girl, paralized, idiot, fat, ugly,  abused, abuser, survivor, cutter, sweet, cute, beautiful, lovely, perfect…..just some of the words that I have been called. Somehow I have a hard time remembering the good stuff the.nice stuff. The dark shit runs through the silent darkness of my  mind all the time.