A Little Whine**

Maybe I should start off by saying I was good earlier. I woke up not cramping at all with my husband snuggling me asking if I was okay. And I was. We went out and had a nice shopping excursion and a nice lunch. Then when we got home I snuggled up in bed with my furry babies and continued rereading The Dark Tower series. Somewhere about an hour and a half ago it started going downhill.

Here’s where it gets gross: I haven’t passed anything other than blood and clots. Sometime or another I should have passed a gestational sac and a little budding placenta. I’m to the point of wondering if maybe I did and I just missed it somewhere in all the damn gore but my doctor’s office is not convinced and so they gave me two options: Take some pills to help things move along or plan on a D&C. I took the pills, reluctantly and hesitantly. It’s made the cramping much, much worse and the bleeding which had slowed down significantly is now back to Saw movie levels.

I’m taking a lot of over the counter pain medication, holding a heat pad to my back, and praying to whatever deity that would care to listen that it be over and never, ever happen again. I suddenly have a whole new respect for people who live with chronic conditions. I’m sure that at some point it just becomes part of your daily life. Just like in a little over a week it’s just become part of life to change pads and analyze toilet paper for possible sloughed off tissue. But it’s tiring, mentally to be stuck in this cycle. It’s tiring, physically to alternate between differing levels of pain and discomfort. I’ve discovered that I prefer the more labor like contractions to the constant cramping because at least there is space between the contractions. It hits more intensely and more totally but there’s time to relax and enjoy being pain free even if it’s just for a few minutes.

It isn’t extreme pain. I’ve had worse periods if I’m honest. I do medicate before it gets to the really bad levels and I think that goes a long way for keeping it in check. However, it is almost constant. And even when there’s no cramping there’s still bleeding and I’m just so tired of it. I hope the pills kick some of the length out of it. I’m ready to go back to normal life.

Speaking of, Zac and I have an interesting quandary. For the first time in our history together, we have to figure out some means of birth control for the next month. I think we’re both a little flummoxed by the idea. What a strange, foreign thought to have to intentionally avoid getting pregnant after all of this time trying to. If this were any old month it would be more straight forward. I’d know when I was going to ovulate and the span of time would be a lot shorter if not any easier to combat. As it stands, I have no clue. Not something we have to worry about until all this is over anyway. Just food for thought.

 **I now know why my doctor’s office was so dubious as to me just passing it without noticing. That is NOT something that just happens without you taking note. Jesus H. I may write about it later. For now I’m freaked out and tired and just DONE.