TTC

 

 

I’ve been resisting the urge to write because my mind is completely consumed at the moment by the science and process of baby making. I just can’t imagine that it’s of any interest to anyone but me and Zac. The initial plan was to relax and let nature take its course for the first few months.

That is definitely not what has happened. There’re microscopes, pee sticks and phone apps all joining forces to help us understand what is going on in our bodies. It’s both rewarding and frustrating. I can see where studying the nuances could become an obsession and I’m already hearing the responses to this entry and the chimes of "just relax!". The truth is, though, that it’s knowing and studying that helps give me some sense of control. Instead of fucking like bunnies then waiting for a period to show or not show I have ability to understand (to a degree) when we need to try to have sex instead of going at it randomly hoping for the best. And I know when I can take a test and have any hopes of seeing a positive rather than biting my nails every other day waiting for a line to appear on a pee stick.

That’s not to say that I don’t have worried or stressed moments. I just think that as a whole I feel like I have permission to relax in between the major dates which has to help out somewhere.

The microscope has been the primary source for worry relief. Thanks to it (and Zac’s handiness with it) we know that he has a sperm count. There’s no knowing for sure what it is but a month out from surgery things are looking good and are obviously getting more lively and dense. Without that it would be 4 months of worrying before we could do an official semen analysis. (Aren’t you glad you decided to read this update?)

My worry this week is that my assortment of tests is pretty inconclusive. I may have not ovulated or I may have ovulated earlier than usual and just tested at the wrong time. It’s hard to know. I’m not getting too bent about it though.

Crazy as it may seem, the learning process of all this is amazing to me. I’ve learned so much more about how the body functions than I ever learned in sex ed or any physiology class. Did you know that you can tell whether or not you are ovulating by looking at your saliva under a microscope? You can tell whether or not you are pregnant before a urine test can by keeping track of your basal body temperature. It’s pretty incredible to me.

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I vacillate between wanting to feel hopeful and immerse myself in the joy that is this event in my life and realizing that realistically there are no guarantees. Hope can be a dangerous thing. But I think the same can be true for caution. There are things I wish I’d done before Zac had the surgery. I wish I had started charting my cycle in January because then I would have a more clear picture of what it is usually like. I wish I’d bought some of the books I’ve read sooner so that I would have had that information on hand and already digested before the show started. But I resisted the urge to do those things. I waited until March to get the ovulation tests so that I’d have at least one "normal" month to reference. I waited because I didn’t want to give into the beast that is hope in case being that presumptuous cursed me somehow and made the surgery fail.

I realize how crazily illogical that sounds but this isn’t a mental process based on reason.

The same thing is keeping me from reading pregnancy books or researching obstetricians. Even though I know it would be better to be familiar with those things beforehand, it feels like there’s too much hope wrapped into those actions.

Yet, part of me really wants to just cut loose and drown in it all. I want to not care about the crushing that would come if it fails and just soak up every moment and nuance because it is incredibly fun. I love all of it. I love talking about it, I love planning, I love charting my cycle, I love hovering over the microscope with my husband feeling positively ecstatic about what we’re seeing there….the potential for life, a new one that would completely change ours forever.

This is a phase of our lives that we have entered into with no one else before. Never have either of us ever had sex with the intention of getting pregnant…quite the opposite. It’s weird turn to the table. But it feels amazing to be here. Considering that neither of us were exactly virginal when we got together, it’s a wonderful feeling to celebrate this kind of first. It means something to me that we made this decision together.

I love how INTO this Zac is. He’s really, truly excited and hopeful. He asks about my temperature charts and what my ovulation tests say. He researches things and we discuss them over dinner. It’s liberating to not feel like the only one who wants it anymore. The other night we were playing video games and I asked Zac what he wanted to do next. I gave him two options and he responded, "Or we can turn off the game and go make babies." Sold!

It’s honestly a joint effort and that in and of itself has made me happier than I’ve been in ages.

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There’s so much more going on in my life, I promise. I just don’t know where to begin. This has dwarfed everything else.

Let me start by saying that I met my very first OD person IRL. It was brief but awesome. I was totally expecting awkwardness and was pleasantly surprised at how normal it all felt. Brooke was just as lovely as her pictures show her to be. I’m very much looking forward to visiting again when there’s more time. 🙂

Work is fantastic. I switched from the Provo clinic to the one in American Fork a few weeks back. It’s a further drive to a busier clinic for the same amount I was making in Provo which sounds insane but the environment is dramatically different. It’s so relaxed and happy. Everyone genuinely likes each other there and that sort of friendliness is infectious. Despite how busy it is and how crazy it can get, there’s always someone laughing in some part of that clinic. Even when stressful things happen we just wait till the patients are out of earshot and make jokes about it. It’s worth every extra mile I drive. Funny thing, too, I’m not spending anymore on gas. Because the Provo clinic was closer but the trip was wrought with red lights and the AF clinic is almost entirely interstate the difference is negligible.

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Wow, what else.

My life has gotten far more physical in the last few weeks which I think is fantastic. I’ve started running in the morning before work (because my day at this new clinic starts a half hour later) instead of trying to go after. It’s amazing how much better it is just switching the time of day. I get up while barely thinking about what I’m doing, fumble for clothes and shoes then take off. I’m half way through my warm up before I’m even awake. Then it’s done. I have the whole rest of my day to do whatever I want without constantly trying to motivate myself for an evening workout.

Then last weekend Zac and I pulled our bikes out of the garage and dusted them off. We didn’t go far (though it was a lot of uphill pedaling) but it felt great just to be doing something so physical. Later that day we took the little jeep up on the mountainside and had a

lovely picnic. I packed some homemade mini corn dogs (small corn muffins with hot dogs in the middle), fresh vegetables, fruit and some chips with some lemon/lime water. It was tasty. After we ate we snuggled up on the blanket and watched the birds. We went back up there the next day and hiked as far up as you can without transitioning to mountain climbing. It was beautiful up there and peaceful. We are planning a repeat this coming weekend. We’re going to try biking to downtown Provo as long as the weather cooperates.

 

That’s all I can come up with at the moment. I promise that if my commentary on body functions starts to get too carried away I’ll make a separate diary for it. I don’t want that to be what this place is all about. I’ve also considered buying a new paper diary just for this purpose. I don’t know though. That, again, has such a sense of hope about it that I’m not sure I can let myself do it.

Later, Lovelies.