Follow-Up
Thanks so much for the supportive notes! I’m sorry I haven’t been able to note on anyone else’s entries. I have been reading (I’m always reading) there’s just so much going on that I barely have a spare thought. I’m wiped out for some reason and Zac seems to be as well. We’ve both been sleeping like crap at night and then taking long naps in the afternoon. I’m dreading going back to work on Thursday but at least it’s just two days. It’s going to be rough trying to reset my clock though. Also, on Thursday I have to spend my lunch running to Orem (the next city over) to pick up the dogs from the kennel or else pay an extra $15 each for them staying the whole day. Zac could probably do it but I don’t want him to. They’re going to be crazy hyper from not seeing us for several days so their energy level is going to be something to contend with. He’s not supposed to lift more than 15 pounds and I’m sure between the two of them tugging on leashes that’s going to equate to more than 15 pounds of force. So…I’ll go on lunch Thursday and sleep the sleep of the dead that night.
We spent today in San Antonio…it wasn’t what I expected. That’s mostly because I didn’t expect to be spending the day in downtown San Antonio. We were just going to the Alamo and neither of us had any idea that it was in the center of downtown. It was a good day though. We wandered around downtown as much as Zac’s balls would let us. We ate at a little bbq place on the river and then came back to the hotel to crash out. I am disappointed that we never made it to the beach. We’re so close to the gulf here that I really wanted to drive down just to see it for a minute but it wasn’t in the cards. We should have came down a day early like I originally planned but we were both worried about how much money we were already spending. In retrospect, the expense would have been minimal compared to taking a whole planned trip to the beach. Oh well. What we’re here for is exciting enough in and of itself so I’m more than happy being content with that and taking all the rest as a bonus.
Zac’s been very lovey and affectionate since his surgery. We laid in bed chatting for a long time last night. I looked up once and found him staring at me very thoughtfully. He kept doing that during the surgery, too. I’d look down and see him watching my face. I asked him what he was thinking both last night and when he was giving me that same look on Monday. "Just that I really love you." It makes all the rough patches worth it when you have moments like that. I love the tone his voice takes on when he’s feeling particularly loving. He’s had it a lot the last few days. I think I had this unspoken fear that he would feel bitterly toward me afterward because of all the pain and discomfort. It seems to be the exact opposite though.
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I spoke to my dad today. It’s funny how uncomfortable he is with Zac’s surgery. I don’t think he’s uncomfortable with the thought of it; it’s just that it’s a very personal thing for such an outwardly unemotional man like Dad to discuss easily. He referred to it as "the thing" rather than even say "the surgery". I let him be aloof about it though. He’s got enough to deal with lately taking care of my grandparents. They had six children and Dad’s the only one stepping up and organizing their finances and making sure their care is managed. I’m proud of him and sorry for him at the same time. He didn’t seem awkward talking about it after he realized I was going to let him get away with being vague though. He even laughed and told me to tell Zac to take it easy.
He definitely has been taking it easy. I’m very proud of him. He’s been really cautious and I think even the doctor was impressed with all the questions he was asking about how to avoid stressing the site. We had to go in for a follow up this morning. He said everything looked good. The swelling is minimal. There is bruising but he expected that. I feel really sorry for him whenever I look at his parts. They’re black as avocados in places. But he hasn’t really been in pain. It seems like it’s more uncomfortable than painful. He says sometimes it’s just that he’s "aware" of them in ways he wouldn’t normally be.
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I don’t know how I’m feeling at this point. I expected to be more emotional. This is the one thing I have been looking most forward to for the last few years. YEARS. That’s such a strange thing to conceive right now because I feel so nonchalant about it all. I was emotional during and I do feel Zac’s softness and affection at the momentousness of the occasion but I think I expected to be more excited and anxious. Instead there’s a sort of naturalness to things. Maybe it’s all the emotion that lead up to it…now that it’s over I feel like there’s just not much to worry about. Now we get to proceed like a semi-normal couple. My mother’s advice (which I do endeavor to follow) was to act like everything is normal for the next six months. Don’t live life monitoring temperatures and consulting ovulation kits and microscopes. Pretend to be a normal couple, trying to conceive the way normal couples do. If nothing has happened in six months then feel free to start the obsessing. I know I won’t get to follow this to the letter but I want to. It’s what I’m going to try to remind myself of when the urge to obsess inevitably starts itching up on me.
Just an aside: I have a new favorite poet. Sharon Olds. Check her out if you’re unfamiliar (and into that sort of thing).
Hope all is well with the rest of you. <3