The nights with him

It is crazy how something could happen in a snap. Like a roller coaster ride when one moment you are at the top then all of a sudden it is rushing down. Or when you did your first cliff jump, you were scared but you did it and sometimes, shit happens!

The last 5 days of my 2-week long vacation made it very difficult for me to leave. I met a guy. I first saw him on my birthday in a bar. He was happily drinking with his friends and I have to admit that since then I’ve been eyeing him. No intention of talking to him though, because I suck at opening conversations. And when we moved to another bar, I saw him again. He was near our group and thought he was alone so I tried to push my friend to dance with him. I’m sure he doesn’t remember that because he’s probably insanely drunk.

The next night, when the friend I was with left me alone to attend a birthday party, I finally decided to go out on my own. Went back to that same bar and saw him again. I made friends with someone named Simon, who invited me to come to the bar again the next day for a trivia night. And on that next day, I was already sitting near him. Only a seat in between us. But damn this guy! I’ve been trying to catch his eye so I could at least smile at him. But no, it never happened. I wasn’t even able to say “hi”. I felt like, oh yeah! Maybe I’m not hot or pretty enough to be noticed.

And then Simon came to us and asked us to join the game. And on that third night since I first saw him, I finally got to know his name! Mattias, what I thought was the spelling of his name. We talked during the game and even after it, we partied, and we kissed… a lot!Blame it on the alcohol.

I know he was drunk. He have said a lot of stuff that a girl would probably set some expectations. But I was really having a good time with him, so I hoped to hangout with him some more. At least until the end of my vacation. Everything was going so good until I found out that he doesn’t even know my name, or remembered it! He knew and felt my disappointment, for sure. Because the next day, I received a message from him saying sorry about it.

I was disappointed but still cool with it anyway. I knew he wasn’t really interested and then it was confirmed by the next messages he sent me. He said sorry and that he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings! And I was like, “What? What is this guy talking about? Him hurting my feelings? How could that happen? We just hangout, partied and flirted! Can’t we just have fun?”

For me, that was a veeery crazy message. So the next day, I made fun of him for that. He should have known me better. After that heartbreak with Andrew, a guy I never met but expected a lot, I learnt to not set any expectations anymore. Brain over heart.

And then last night, my last night in Siargao, I almost gave in. Almost. Everything just felt so good that I need to remind myself who I really am. As much as I wanted us to do it, I knew we had to stop. In my head, I could hear my friends screaming ‘booooo!’. But hell, I care. If my feelings got hurt, they won’t be the ones to cry anyway.

But well, there was more to that night than just fuck. We had a veeeery romantic setting at the beach. We walked a bit farther because it was low tide. So there’s us, kind of in the middle of the wide ocean with boats surrounding us, the starry skies and oh, the clingy dog from his hostel. Funny how he was the one who said it was romantic. I’ve been trying to keep myself on not saying such kind of stuff cause he might think that he’s gonna hurt my feelings! But in my head, it was a perfect night to fall in love. The cuddles, the hugs and the kisses, with the guy I couldn’t explain why I kept glancing at for the past days. We danced even without music, laughed, lie on the sand and gazed at the stars. It was perfect. Or it could have been perfect if we ever fell in love.

But the end of it all, vacation will be over. I’ve got to leave and he’s got to leave. We will go on living our separate lives and what happened in Siargao, will stay in Siargao.