this is just ridiculous….

I positively cannot sleep….i am literally laying here half conscious and the other half is in pure agony. i have read and reread every chat session…recalled every stolen moment from years ago…every look every touch…somehow the actions just dont match the words and the words in my head get jumbled sometimes..i konw that i am thinking about him and he isnt returning the favor here. He is impossible to read sometimes. so i agonize. (is that even a word)  and when i cant think anymore i ask and he tells me i am not alone in this. he tells me that he loves me. why would he keep me around if he didnt love me? why would he want another person that needs more from him? why wouldnt he just tell me hey youve got this all wrong you are way more invested than i am …. wouldnt that be easier than stringing me along for nearly 8 years?

i mean granted it wasnt always this desperate of a situation…we used to be just friends….then i fell for him…and then at least i had this agony privately…but then one day i got the nerve up to tell him and since then its been i cant do that to you…i dont want to be another guy to screw you over… or if i do this with you i will fall too hard and you will have enough of me and i will be heartbroken again…wtf? 8 years of i love you and you make me happy and it would be so great to be together..8 years of talking nonstop and never running out of things to say of playing and joking and venting and advice and support and encouragement and he cant tell me huge life events. or that he is going out of town for a week and wont be able to talk to me…

wtf? these actions do not support the words spoken. the sweet songs he sings. the vague  i have nothing in me but love for you…what is that anyways….i love you…is that so hard

i dont come to him…i wait i wait to see if he will speak first..he always does..i say i will be strong and not talk back…i always do.  when i am coming to town i beg him to find time to see me he never can. why?

why the hell does he keep me around? HE TELLS ME HE IS NO GOOD FOR ME. but he still speaks. he would totally understand if i dont want to talk with him. but he knows i cant leave. and how the hell is he ok with that? how can he love me the way he says he does if he can be ok with never talking to me again? he says he would marry me…that one day it will happen…i cant hold on to that. i am so heartsick.

i am a worthless waste of a person.  I am risking my family for a man who wont risk a phone call for me. whats worse is that it took me this long to see that he isnt the person i put on a pedestal. he has so many faults. the least of which is that he is rather self absorbed. he gives the appearance of selflessness but he isnt. and as much as i dislike HER when he bitches about her and tells me the things she says i find myself agreeing with her. But still here i am hopelessly in love and wanting him to be mine. i wont leave him. i will lie awake and lose sleep and cry and listen to way too much music.  but i wont give up on him. 

and thus….this is fucking ridiculous.