hatethishatethishatethishatethishatethishatethis

Ugh.

had my pseudo-date with Tamara tonight.  And it was fucking amazing, she even mentioned making out….until she ALSO mentioned some dude in Alberta that she’s fucking interested in.

Fuck.  When oh when will I find a girl…that wants ME?  And just me.  No one else.   Seriously.  How fucking hard can this be?  I’m actually almost 100% convinced that Tamara might actually be interested in me…but she’s too young, too unsure.  She shouldn’t risk everything she’s got just in order to be with me.  That would be asking too much.  She’s still in high school for God’s sake.  Why the hell am I interested in a high schooler in the first place??  Is this some twisted embodiment of a desire I myself had in high school, that is taking form in Tamara….who is the precise age of any girl I would’ve wanted when I was in high school myself?

It’s all so fucked.

And tonight, I got wasted out of my mind, because the "date" with Tamara ended so badly.  Not even badly really, just that I chickened out on the whole "telling her how I feel" front.  We went to dinner…and a movie.  All her idea.  Then after the movie, we went out for ice cream, because we hadn’t had time to have dessert at dinnertime, with having to get to the theater in time for the movie to start.  We actually missed most of the previews, even as early as we got there.  So yeah, we went for ice cream.  At Dairy Queen.  Like an hour before close.  Tamara chose the seats, which were down in what would typically be the kiddie section during the day, but which is mostly closed during the evening.  It’s where the kid’s play area is.  It was kinda dark in comparison to the regular seats, and was down some steps from the regular seating area.  I questioned her motives, choosing such a dark secluded place.  Twice while we were enjoying our ice cream, DQ employees came down the steps and poked their heads in our direction to see what we were up to.  I was like "I feel like we just got caught or something…" and Tamara was like "I TOLD you we shouldn’t make out down here" and I was like "Damn!  I knew there was a reason!"

Oh if only.  But no, I was too fucking chicken to even try to kiss her.  I wish I could’ve just come out with it.  Told her everything.  Told her how I can’t get her out of my mind for even a day.  How she’s all I think about, all I want.  But no.  I played it cool, played the friend…didn’t tell her.  COULDN’T tell her.  I dunno what my deal is.  I guess I’m scared that it’ll freak her right out and she won’t want to talk to me again.  At the very least, make our future shifts at work together turbo awkward.  Do I really want to risk it?  Is it worth it?

Fuck…could she even like me?  Could anyone?

~SS