Informal letter, never to be sent

Alright.

This is going to be a cleansing entry, dammit!  It’s become pretty clear to me today that that stupid message from Sarah got to me more than I ever intended to let it.  I’ve been studiously ignoring it, but every time someone asks me what’s new, her words float to mind and I want to scream it all out to whomever is unlucky enough to have asked.  But I don’t, of course.  I keep it in, keep my opinions to myself for the most part…I let Courtney know today, and she went all parenty on me like she usually does whenever I ask advice.  I appreciate it, but I’m usually left feeling like she’s telling me what to do, rather than suggesting ways to improve whatever situation I happen to be in.  She’s definitely not one to rant to, cuz I end up feeling like a kid by the end of it, and I don’t like that.  I probably sound like a whiny child right now, even…lol.

So…I’ve mulled it over.  It’s been exactly a week.  And I don’t feel any different…reading the message over just gets me mad all over again EVERY time.  I told Courtney that I felt like I needed to at least say SOMEthing, or I would feel like the problem was unresolved, but she said it’s only a problem if I think it is.  Like I have the power to dismiss it if I want to.  I wish it were that simple.  I dunno, maybe it’s my nature…but it’s like I need to make her see my side of it, and call her on some of her absolute bullshit.  But then again, maybe it’s like what they tell you in elementary school; if you ignore a bully, they’ll go away because you won’t be giving them any satisfaction.  This whole thing just sucks, cuz for a while there, we were starting to become decent friends, and I hate to ever throw anything like that away.  But it’s pretty clear that nothing could ever be the same again, and I need to just let it go and concentrate on my own happiness for a while.  Still, in the back of my mind, there’s this niggling worry…like somehow I won’t be the bigger person if I dismiss the issue completely.  Like I somehow need to acknowledge that I’ve at least received the message.  But I know that if I started typing to her, I wouldn’t stop, and it would all come pouring out and I doubt she’s prepared to handle what I would have to say…at least not without twisting it around again, back on me.  I’m just so….frustrated.  It’s like it’s out of my hands…but at the same time, I could repair this if I tried.  But that’s the thing; do I want to?  Do I really need someone like her in my life?  Will I finally have the guts to cut someone out of my life that just continues to hurt me?  I’ve never REALLY been able to do that; I’m far too forgiving.  I try my damndest to see the good in people until it screws me again and again and I’m left wondering what the hell I did wrong.  Maybe this message is the turning point; maybe it’s just what I needed to cut ties with her for good.

Because really…what will replying accomplish?  I’ll either fold and apologize for things I haven’t done, and words I haven’t said…or I’ll just get mad and not be able to truly articulate how I’m really feeling, and she’ll turn it back on me again.  I just wish there was a way to make her see that she’s not always right, she’s NOT the be-all and end-all, and I can get on just fine without her.  Hell, I’ve been doing it for months!  It’s actually been so much easier not having her drama-inducing life be a part of mine.  Had I still been seeing her on a regular basis, I might not have decided that this summer would be the time for me to finally move out; maybe I would’ve thought, in some warped way, that staying behind because she is would give me a chance with her.  Even though that is definitely not what I want anymore.  She’s had that kind of effect on me before, who’s to say it wouldn’t have happened again?  This must be the push I needed.  I can get out of here and move on, and do much greater things with my life.  If nothing else, I owe it to myself!  I wasn’t meant to be stuck in this town forever, and I refuse to.

Phew.

Another entry on the way…hopefully with pictures and stories from the weekend.  I went to the city for Alicia’s birthday!

~SS